Single Women and Single Men

Did I ever tell you I work in a library now? After I quit teaching, I switched gears a little and now I'm in a library. It's pretty great, even if middle aged men call me honey a little too often and I hadn't realized how attached baby boomers are to Internet Explorer. 

Working in a library has been cool for finding new books, though, that is for sure. (Like the Love Birds book.) I found a couple books recently that I thought you all might appreciate. 

The first is Are You My Boyfriend? by C.B. Bryza. It's an adorable and relevant parody of Are You My Mother? and it's fantastic. I liked it, even though --spoiler alert-- it gets a little sappy at the end. Considering how often we talk about "is this a date?" around here, I had to read it. The single main character wanders around, posing the title question to all the men she encounters. 

Picture books for grown ups. Yes please. 

The second book is Haiku for the Single Girl by Beth Griffenhagen. I cried laughing. I would like to tell you about my favorite but I had at least a dozen. Just read it. I assure you, you'll find your spirit haiku. 

I've been pondering these books for a few days. (I'll admit that like, 10% of it is why can't I accomplish something kickass like that?) This pondering is not about the trials and tribulations attached to singledom. I consider that plenty, thanks. 

Friends send me all kinds of self-help relationship books**, websites and blogs, and personal anecdotes, so I am positive that women struggle to find a decent, available, adult man.  (Women who are seeking men, that is. I I haven't heard much from women looking for a decent, available, adult woman, so I won't speak to that here.) We rant about it with our friends, joke about it on sitcoms, cry about it in the shower, drink about it at family gatherings...single women looking for love is an industry. Look at the books I checked out from the library. Sure, there are plenty of women who are content being single, and plenty who enjoy casual dating without the dreaded emotions that come along with relationships. But some women are seriously unhappy with their search for Mr. Tolerable. 

So fine. There are sad, lonely women out there, waiting for the romantic comedy portion of their lives to come to a conclusion. I get it. We all get it. So...what about the dudes? I have fewer male followers on twitter and facebook, and fewer male blog commenters, so I assume fewer male readers. And I suppose that makes sense...it probably has a no boys allowed clubhouse feel around here sometimes, since I do so often complain about men. (STOP ACTING FOOLISH AND I WILL STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.) But let's be real--men are single too. At least, I'm guessing some of you are still single, even though I only seem to meet the married ones. Yet we seldom hear about your quest for love. 

Are you not miserable in your search? Is it easier for you to find decent women? Are you suffering in silence or not suffering at all? Are you consuming books and movies and sitcom moments where men commiserate and wish for nice women to come along but keeping them from us? TELL ME. Because I don't come across a lot of books for men trying to be better at relationships. I don't get many letters from men asking why women are so confusing. Am I truly supposed to believe that for every miserable woman trying to get a nice man to ask her to dinner, there is a contented bachelor hoping he can sneak out of her apartment before she wakes up, as television and movies have shown? 

I want answers. 

**I have an alarming number of self-help relationship books, guys. AND I LOVE THEM.

How NOT to Internet Date...

...part 45 of 1,000,000 I guess. 

Twin got a message on OkCupid the other night, the first she'd gotten from this particular guy.

"What's your availability tomorrow night?"

This has been bothering me ever since she told me and I've been trying to figure out why. It's not obscene or rude and on top of that, it's not even my message! So why has it been silently pissing me off?

My first thought was that I disliked his abrupt introduction. Or rather, a lack of introduction and jumping right into the next phase. This guy skipped a greeting, a half-hearted compliment, a common interest, and a witty remark that you're wrong in your opinion of the best Back to the Future. He went all in. You busy tomorrow? He wants to do all that Dating 101 stuff in person. Screw typing. 

It's true that I find his approach to be a bit clumsy. It lacks finesse. This is not a guy with a lot of game. And it's sketchy. A lot of my friends are nervous about internet dating because the person you meet could be anybody at all. (And all of my female friends are nervous that your internet stranger might kill you. Yup.) He could be exactly who he says he is. Or the complete opposite. Or some great combination of lies and creep. It's a gamble! The first conversation(s) at least start the elimination process. My girls will still likely meet internet dates in a public place and have friends on standby ready to break you out of a terrible date. But at least they know that person made it through round one of cuts. 

I brought this up to some guys at the bar, a couple guys I've met before and a random guy I've never met and hopefully can avoid for the rest of my days--who invited himself into the conversation. They didn't see a problem with asking someone to meet up before you really chat. They made a decent point.

But I was STILL bothered by this guy--until today, when I realized why I hated his message so much. He does it all wrong. Sure, you know why he's asking if you're available, but he's also making it really hard for you to say no. (Or so he might think.) He asks about your availability tomorrow and you say yeah, I've got no plans. Then he asks if you want to get a drink. Well now you're screwed. You've painted yourself into a corner. If you don't want to see this guy, it just became really tricky. No thanks, you tell him. Well you just said you were free tomorrow! Why don't you want to see him?!** Because it must be him. You said you didn't have plans. What, did you make plans in the last 30 seconds??

Public Service Announcement for anyone throwing out date invites: We don't WANT to hurt your feelings, you know. Not all the time. We might like to give you an out! GIVE US A CHANCE TO REJECT YOU GENTLY. This guy took away any possibility of a graceful exit strategy.

Sure, I might turn a guy down because he's a disgusting ass. But I also might turn down a guy who seems perfectly nice but isn't a guy I want to date. Maybe he misread the situation and thought I was interested. In these cases, I'm not looking to be a bitch. 

Here's my tip for the day: if you're going to ask someone out, don't trick them into saying yes. "Do you want to get a drink tomorrow?" is perfectly acceptable. It leaves the other person a lot of options. They can say yes, or I would love that but tomorrow doesn't work, or no thanks I'm not interested, or no thanks I'm really busy, or fuck off you're a weirdo, or hey I'm in a relationship but thanks for asking, or any number of other responses. And they have the option of letting you down gently--and you'll both feel less awkward. "Are you available tomorrow?" should only be used as a follow-up question. 

I know you don't usually take my advice but please, try and remember this bit. Try really hard. 




**This might seem harsh but I had a guy demand why I didn't want to go out with him one time. Um, maybs because you're super aggressive and childish about rejection??

Most Asked Question: Is this a date?

There's a blog post making the rounds among my facebook friends--I'm sure some of you have seen it. On his blog, Matt Walsh is calling for single men to stop hiding behind the phrase "hanging out" and call a date a date. Admittedly, this is the first I've read on his blog so I don't know how many opinions we share. But on this issue, we have some common thoughts.

He's right: dating is confusing. Because most of us aren't 100% sure when we're actually on a date. I get A LOT of letters and questions from people asking me "was that a date?" I don't understand why this is so unclear, just that it is. It's almost like each of us is so afraid of rejection that we think keeping it vague is better. Or maybe we're so afraid of commitment that we keep everything really casual until, what, someone proposes? I don't know the answer here. I can only join the millennial masses and speculate.

Walsh gets it half right when he calls for men to be clear and make up their minds. He's half right because women need to do it too. Despite the fact that it means talking about feelings, we as a population of single adults need to be honest about the status of things and ask the questions that lead to knowing if you're on a date.

I found myself in a bit of trouble recently when a man told me about an event he and a bunch of friends were attending. As a group. It sounded fun, so when he said I should join them, I told him I would consider it. He asked for my number. Halfway through the digits, I felt the all too familiar Commitment Panic, realizing he might have wanted it for date purposes. But how do you make that clear? Please only use my number for platonic group events, thanks? That's not normal. I can't go around saying things like that and still make friends. Not to mention...what if he didn't want to ask me out? Then I would sound like that girl who assumes every man wants to be her boyfriend. Once I started giving him my number, I couldn't turn back. I just had to wait and see what happened. Because I was totally in the dark.

No, he wanted to ask me out. His message that week was a clear date invitation, so points for that. But if he had been clear from the start, we could have avoided that situation.

In his blog post, Matt Walsh is appointing men with the task of being clear about their intentions. And I'll give you that most of the "is this a date?" questions I get are from women, but my audience skews more female, if stuff like my facebook page is to be believed. (Boys, you need to be more vocal out there!) I'm not sure if guys have this same "are we on a date" anxiety--my guess is yes. And "are we on a date" doesn't even compare to "are we in a relationship" concerns. Can I call him my boyfriend? My friends are calling him my boyfriend but he's never said it, and I've never said it, so maybe he's not my boyfriend? One time I didn't address this issue until my dad started telling everyone I had a boyfriend and then I asked the guy if that was true. And no, I absolutely will not tell you when this happened in my life.

So here's my suggestion, single readers: make it clear. If you initiate hanging out with someone but really you mean it to be a date, call it a date. If you want to keep dating them, make that clear too. Then they can answer you honestly about whether or not they'd like that, because they will KNOW it's a date. They can adequately prepare for a date and stop texting me mid-date from the bathroom listing details of the outing and asking if I think they're on a date. Yeah, that happens. (I'm fine with you messaging me mid-date if you want my help, but it's probably a little weird and maybe our relationship should have some boundaries? I don't know, we'll work on that.)

In a Relationship? Or is it Complicated?

I overheard someone saying that a sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on facebook. This has been bothering me, for a couple reasons. (Yes, I know I went off on keeping your romantic shit off my newsfeed--I stand by that. But NO sign of it? I take issue with that, too. No, you just can't win.)

My first question for anyone keeping their relationship totally off facebook is why? What's your reasoning for keeping his par of your life invisible? Because I'm not gonna lie--that seems shady. My gut reaction would be to assume you're ashamed of being with them.

Now, if both of you mutually and honestly decide to keep your relationship social media-free, then cool. I guess. Still seems weird. Like if you're going to use social media and create lists of your favorite movies and choose a profile picture...why are you actively leaving this part off? (Unless you work together or something else that would necessitate some secrecy because you're not ALLOWED to be together. As long as you're both available consenting adults I'm fine with that.)

But that's all a personal choice, yeah? You do you But if you're maintaining a facebook page and leaving off your relationship status, we need to talk about my second concern.

Everyone else.

I'm talking about creeping on your page. I'm talking about meeting a handsome man and trolling his page to learn about him. (If he's available.) The Facebook Stalk, guys. It's one of my big moves. People look for a relationship status! It's the internet wedding ring, the first thing we look for. We look at that and we scroll recent profile pictures for any reoccurring person who may or may not be your significant other. And if your page has NO mention of a relationship, then we will probably assume that's a green light for our incoming flirting efforts.

Then we learn that you ARE in a relationship. Here come the questions. Why isn't that mentioned? I checked the profile! Why the secrecy? Does this significant other actually exist? Or are we talking about one of those "she lives in Canada, you wouldn't know her, we met this summer" kind of people, which we all know means she doesn't exist. Does this guy not care that he's dating someone? Is this his way of potentially cheating? Wait, does that mean I'm not worth cheating with? Stop that, I would never be the other woman. But still, this guy doesn't know that! What the f-- wait seriously why wouldn't you just click the "in a relationship" box?? I can't be alone in this thought process.

You're just making it difficult for everyone else by hiding your relationship from social media. And that kind of behavior gets you blogged about around here.

The Dangers of Picking Up a Stray (Person)

If you were to ask my twin about my bad habits, I'm sure she would produce a long list with sources and proper references. I can't even guess what a lot of them are, since so many of our own bad habits do not seem bad in our own perspective--just to everyone else. However, one bad habit I am confident she would name is my tendency to, as she calls it, pick up strays.

I'm not talking about pets, although that would be awesome and maybe I should look into a new habit...

Anyway, before I find myself with a pack of dogs...back to my point. When Twin tells me not to pick up any strays, she's referring to the person equivalent. Just like cats and dogs wandering around the neighborhood often return back to the houses where people pet them or leave out food and water, some people return to the places they find friendship or attention--or even what just appears that way.

I'm a social person. I like to talk and I like to listen to people and if some of those people are new to me, then that's great. I regularly find myself having conversations with the people next to me in line at the grocery store, the people at the next table in the bar, my airplane seatmate...anybody. Unfortunately, this habit also makes you susceptible to strays. Strays are the people who return again and again, hoping you'll eventually just adopt them and bring them into your house--or your social circle. Sometimes they end up thinking you're really close friends but really you just talk to them because they're nice enough, they go to the gym when you do, and you run into each other regularly. It's fine until they start to ask you if you want to see a movie or something. When that happens, you know you've picked up a stray and you have to decide what to do. And maybe you're going to go ahead and be real friends, not just waiting in line at Starbucks every morning friends. Maybe you won't. It's a personal choice. But just know that strays are really, really hard to get rid of.

I'm not bothered by essentially being a cat lady for people. It's led me some interesting places. I've lost track of the number of times people have told me about losing someone they love or fighting with their siblings or quitting their job or other really personal things. I've talked to people on their way to weddings, funerals, and hospital waiting rooms. And sometimes they want to talk a lot after that or sometimes they go their own way and I never see them again. But no matter the outcome, I've come to realize that sometimes you just have to share the burden of your story. That might mean turning to someone you trust. Other times, you tell a stranger--someone next to them on an airplane or behind them in line at the grocery store. If I can give that to someone...I'm definitely ok with that. 

It should be noted that my attitude towards strays DOES NOT extend to men trying to date me. Those kind of strays aren't confiding in you or trying to be friends. They're the ones who sprinkle a sort of awkward conversation with very awkward questions designed to find out your age, marital status, the kind of men you go for, and sometimes--fingers crossed!--your sexual preferences. (Yes that has really happened to me. With strangers. Awesome.) These men are not very smooth about getting to know you and don't read your cues very well, so they don't seem to care whether or not you're actually interested. Which is why you ask if the book in their hand is worth reading and they ask if your boyfriend likes books too. ...What? They say they were at work and you ask what they do and the reply is something about pleasuring women. (YES THOSE PEOPLE EXIST.) These men are pretty much going to ask for your phone number at the first opening, despite your bewildered expressions and uncomfortable attempts to change the topic. But you were nice to this stray and they were encouraged. So the longer that conversation lasts, the greater the chance of that guy asking for your number. Decide right now--do you want this guy calling you? If yes, proceed. If you're like me and no no no don't call me I don't believe in phones, then you need an escape plan. Now. You have to get out before he can ask and really it's better to avoid him for the immediate future. (Until one of you leaves the bar or the flight lands, for example.) From personal experience, it is less awkward to get out before he can ask than to tell him no, you can't call me sometime. I mean, if he's a douche then don't worry. But if he's just kind of clueless and you think he's really not picking up on your disinterest and you want to be kind to him...just get out. (STRAYS LOOK SO SAD WHEN THEY CAN'T COME INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, OK?)

Ok, I can hear complaints coming. 

I recognize that it's hard to put yourself out there when you're attracted to someone. And I applaud honesty. But I have a big problem with continuing to try when the other person rejects you or does not return your sentiments. If you're talking to someone and keep trying to ask what he's doing on the weekend, and he keeps changing the subject--he does not want you in his weekend plans. He doesn't even want to tell you that. I'm just saying you should respect the unspoken boundaries that are being set by your conversational partner, you know? But that's getting into a huge topic, so we'll save that for another day...

The thing about strays is that I have a really hard time identifying them until surprise! they keep coming back. And by then...

What I'm saying is you need someone like Twin who has your back, because she pretty much hates strangers and also sees the strays coming and tries to warn me. (You can guess how often I listen, but she tries.) 

Relationship Timelines

I should probably just change the name of my blog to "I'm not good at talking about my feelings" considering how often I start posts that way. 

During college, my friends decided that any man in my life would have to deal with a different set of milestones--instead of I love you, they would have to learn the equivalent You're the only boy I frame pictures of. (They still ask about my love life in those terms. "Do you think you might want to frame his picture one day?") That's my milestone. For me, that is a very significant step and is not to be undertaken lightly. As in...I don't. 

A conversation with a friend got me thinking about how different milestones are for everyone. There's no set timeline for relationships. With online dating, you don't even have to meet someone to start a relationship. So you decide what marks progress. Some milestones are obvious and fairly universal. Most couples have some anniversary--whether it's when they first went out or the date they decided they were officially in a relationship, or the closest date they can figure out because whoops we didn't write it down or anything.. After that first big milestone of agreeing on an anniversary, though, there doesn't seem to be much we agree on. 

Maybe she thinks it's a huge deal that you met her parents because she never introduces them to her dates. Maybe him spending the night is a milestone because to him that makes it serious. Maybe a milestone was the day your friends met him and told you how great he is. Maybe it's strictly a certain length of time. And maybe all those things slid by your partner without a second glance...because the weight we put on different aspects of a relationship changes for everyone. It's funny how that works, that something you look forward to and wait for can be just another day for the person you're dating. 

I remember being sort of irritated in those situations, when boyfriends didn't mention or notice things that I considered pretty significant for our relationship. This has taken me a really long time to figure out...an embarrassingly long time, one might say...but in retrospect those things probably didn't matter to my boyfriends. (At least I figured it out eventually, right?) I probably missed some things that those guys cared about. And once I figured that out, I came to the conclusion that I could have avoided several dramatic journal entries and rants to my girls if I'd, you know, talked to my boyfriend about that crap. (Yeah, I don't really see that happening in the future either. You'll probably read about it here.) 

So you talk about it. That's the advice I would give, and have given on multiple occasions. You talk about it and when your boyfriend says meeting his parents is a big deal to him, you take it seriously because you're gross about your boyfriend. You hope they like you because he cares that they like you. 

And if you tell them getting along with your friends is a big deal to you and they don't care? Well...I guess you'll write to me and I'll tell you something you don't want to hear. 

I don't have any conclusions to this...I'm still considering the importance of milestones and marking progress. What do you think? 

The Three Minute Rule?

Twin has been trying online dating for over a year now, and it has indeed been trying. She's found a lot of duds, unfortunately. Last night over a beer she showed me the various messages that have come to her inbox lately. Aside from the 18 year old who wanted her to slap and humiliate him and the WAY too self-deprecating guy who even put himself down for having a boring name, I noticed a trend. 

These guys expected a reply yesterday. Patience, it would seem, is not a virtue among the internet dating crowd. Most of her recent conversations begin with a string of messages from the guy. The first one is his opening line, his introduction or whatever. And more often than not, the second message in the conversation is also from him, generally around ten minutes later, asking why she didn't answer or apologizing for bothering her. Sometimes there is a third from him. (If a guy is going to be rude, it's in the third message. He'll call her a bitch or say she's stuck up and she's really missing out by not giving him a chance. I wish I was kidding.) Sadly, a lot of her opening lines in these conversations revolve around telling him she was busy, or to chill out. It's all very romantic. 

A couple years ago, I met this guy--we'll call him Boy Band--at a bar. I was out with some friends who like to buy rounds of shots and he had a cute smile. He seemed perfectly normal so when he asked if he could take me to dinner sometime, I gave him my phone number. Having grown up with Sex and the City, I figured I would hear from him in three days--two if he was really eager. I was confident with that assumption, because basically every sitcom from my childhood until that point had an episode about The Three Day Rule. RULE. It's so widely known that it has a name! Everyone knows The Three Day Rule! If a guy on TV only waits two days he says he just couldn't wait another day and his friends still give him shit for it! Like it or not, that is the world I know. 

So when Boy Band called me that night after he got home from the bar, I was surprised. (Particularly since my friends hadn't even left yet--we were still at the bar so I had to go outside to hear him.) He texted me the next morning--and all day. I had a busy day planned, including an evening with friends. He texted constantly to see if I had any free time yet. Sitting around a bonfire that night, I missed his text inviting me to his friend's house. When I noticed it after about twenty minutes, I also had another message--"I get it, you don't want to see me." 

CHILL OUT. As my friends laughed at him, I wrote back. Then he tried to flirt with me, but feeling suffocated really doesn't do it for me. I ignored two (TWO!!) 2am drunk phone calls and one good morning text during a family brunch the next day before I deleted his number. How could The Three Day Rule have failed me so miserably? 

Ok, fine. The rule kind of sucks. It's silly. I don't care if you call the next day. I don't even care if you text that day. But I do care that you can't wait for a damn reply. Guys, what is your problem? Do women do this? Is this a side effect of smart phone culture? Like, everything is on my phone and I always have my phone, so no matter how or when you get in touch I should be responding that instant? Or is this an ego thing? You feel like a wounded bird after ten minutes of silence so you blame me to make yourself feel better? Because you're such a catch that I should drop everything to answer you or else I'm missing out? What is it? Because my outgoing voicemail message says that I'm probably doing something more interesting--I don't have time to sit by the phone. 

This idea of "how dare you ignore me for fifteen minutes, I'm awesome" is not attractive. It doesn't make us realize we've made a huge mistake and send our apologies. For me, it's a big red flag. I'll pass, thanks. Play it a little cooler, guys. I'm not saying you have to wait three days, but remind yourself that she probably has a busy schedule give her some time to answer you. 

Otherwise you might end up as the guy her friends still make fun of. 

The Beginning of Time and Internet Dating

I'm single. 

I know I'm single and that stalking Mr. Darcy does not count as a relationship. I'm only telling you this because a lot of people think I need a reminder. Your relationship status is not something you casually forget. (Unless you're my ex, but that's beside the point.) 

A fair amount of people have taken it upon themselves to help me find my next relationship, despite a lack of interest on my part. I'm even having dreams about friends throwing me under the dating bus. (You'll all be hearing from me regarding your dream behavior.) One suggestion I receive all the time is to try internet dating. 

No. I've probably talked about this before, but it's not for me. I read profiles and find things I hate and never feel the need to talk to anyone, let alone meet them. But that's not the only reason! Guess what? I've tried it. 

OkCupid launched ten years ago, and I tried it. I tried in in those first few months. I was the guinea pig for my friends, many of whom started their own profiles as a result of me not being murdered. We crafted my profile and wondered if anyone would contact me.  My profile said I was only looking for pen pals and I heard from guys all over the country/world. And you know what? I loved it. I would meet my friends for lunch and they would ask about the grad student and the comedian and the English pirate. (He wasn't really a pirate, but he was English. He looked like a favorite pirate of ours.) I was having some pretty awesome conversations with cute boys and it was wonderful. Occasionally I would get messages from local guys, which sucked because they always wanted to meet for dinner or invite me to their frat party after sending me one message. One guy asked if I wanted to meet to watch the sunrise and I laughed for fifty years because are you kidding me. I also had a local guy send me a few unsolicited, very graphic, disgusting poems he wrote about women masturbating, but I reported him. Mostly, my messages came from guys out of range. 

I think I stuck with that for maybe three years? I didn't use it much after the first couple years...I got bored. I think more people found out about it and joined and I found that the quality of men was decreasing. Near the end, I was getting more and more messages that read, "cool pic wana chat" and to be honest that didn't do much for me. Where were the English pirates and the stimulating conversations? These guys sucked. Fortunately by then Facebook was open to everyone**, so I actually kept in contact with a few of the guys I met on OkCupid and didn't feel bad when I deleted that profile. 

There you have it. I tried internet dating. The local guys were unimpressive and creepy. I didn't want to meet any of them for dinner. The interesting ones were far away. Please stop suggesting I try this, both in real life and also in my dreams. I'm tired of your disapproving looks. 



**I'm older than the internet. Of course I remember when OkCupid and Facebook started--or as we called it then, The Facebook. 

I Love You: The End or the Beginning?

As you may or may not have noticed, I have something of a complicated relationship with relationships. I don't inherently hate them. I hate how some people treat them, I hate the value we place on having someone, anyone, instead of being alone. I hate the way it changes some people. And ok, yeah, I hate watching people make out in front of me at Starbucks. I prefer to say I'm realistic about relationships. 

I've never really liked the idea that love is the only thing you need for a relationship to be successful. You know, this whole romantic comedy notion that if he cares about you he'll make time for you. If she wants to talk to you or be with you, she'll find a way. That's all bullshit. 

I loved Taylor Hanson in middle school...also high school...and college...you know what, you get my point. I loved him and middle school me would have absolutely quit school to go on tour with him. I just needed to meet him and everything would have fallen into place. Right? Of course not. You're sitting there shaking your head and mentally telling me I'm ridiculous because there's no way that everything would be so simple. I wouldn't meet his eyes during a concert and be taken backstage so he could invite me to dinner and fall ridiculously in love with me. (Sorry for letting you down, 14 year old Amanda.) 

And the reason all of that is bullshit is because the reality is so much more complicated. "I love you" doesn't suddenly make everything fall into place. "I love you" is just the thing that motivates you to put things into place yourself. The "I love you" makes you want to confront the hard stuff and deal with it and make everything work. 

And sometimes you want to talk to someone but it's about more than just picking up the phone. Sometimes you want to make time for someone but a million other things get in the way and you have to deal with that first. Sometimes you love someone but it's better for both of you if that's all there is. Because life is so much more complicated than "they'll find a way." 

If you're wondering where all this serious came from, you can blame the Smithies, who always make me feel smarter and more in control of my life than I really am. They are the best mirror to use because they reflect the best version of myself back at me. I had some long chats with them this weekend and we came to some pretty important conclusions, so I thought I'd share. 

Obvious Relationship Advice, Part One

A friend called me late the other night, admitting to slight drunkenness and the need to talk. He started his weekend by ending things with a woman and ended it by calling me. Quick to tell me he didn't regret what he did, he said it was weird that she wasn't around. This is a guy who isn't looking for anything serious. He's honest about it and he got out when it was clear that they wanted different things. (I applaud this.) During our chat, he commented that it was weird that he missed having her around. (But really, more missing having someone around than having her around. Huge difference.)

This brings me to something we'd both seen making its way around the internet.

After you stop giggling, because farts, I'm thinking you'll agree with us that it's accurate. I know what I'm about to say is going to sound really silly but please remember that this isn't one of those Your Relationship Broke (But It Didn't Break You!) sort of self help books. Bear with me: I really think that meeting someone really awesome can lead to reevaluating what kind of relationship you're looking for. Now personally, I'm much more comfortable with casual, non-committal relationships where no one feels any pressure to discuss their feelings. Then I met The Astronaut and I was ok with some feelings talk, because I wanted to be with him. (Considering how that one turned out...no more feelings talk for this girl! Lesson learned.) I told my friend that by keeping everything in his life separate from this girl, he obviously wasn't looking to make it serious. We know what it means when we never meet your friends, guys. We know what it means when we're not facebook friends. How serious can that relationship be?

Ultimately, your relationship should not feel like a chore. Sure, you have to put in effort to make it work, but it shouldn't feel like some shitty obligation. It's not an office baby shower, guys--that is a shitty obligation. But apparently relationships are something you're supposed to enjoy. If you like talking about feelings,  that is. Friends in successful relationships...let me know...it's supposed to be fun, right? Back me up here.

Relationship Exit Ramps

Take a minute and examine your relationship status. 

Now get used to it. (If you're in the US, that is. If you're not, we'll have this conversation again in a couple weeks.) With Thanksgiving over and Hanukkah in full swing, we are in Winter Holiday Season. Winter holidays are a minefield for relationships. There's family, presents, and so many social engagements. Movies teach us that snow falling is the perfect opportunity for romance. (Have I mentioned that the Hallmark Channel is showing Christmas movies 24/7?) 

After Christmas, it's New Year's and Valentine's Day. We're in Winter Holiday Season until St. Patrick's Day finally shows up. Right now? Your relationship is in a holding pattern.** If you're dating someone and it's even fairly serious, consider yourself in that until late February. If you've been harboring thoughts of ending it, you missed your chance--there are no exit ramps on Relationship Highway between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. What, are you going to leave him single for Christmas, with his whole family asking where you are? Presents with your name on them left under the tree? Or will he have to lie about you; tell his family you got called in to work and yeah, it IS really shitty? Are you going to wait until after Christmas but leave her scrambling for midnight plans on December 31st? And you're definitely not going to be the guy who breaks up with her before Valentine's Day, "the most romantic holiday". (Try really hard not to be that guy.) There is no good way to end something at this time of year. (Unless you're a douche, and then it's always breakup season, because you're a terrible human being.) The only way your relationship can change is to get MORE serious. More committed. It's proposal season, guys. So unless moving in together was part of your holiday plan, you're just trying to maintain the status quo until the snow has melted. 

If you're single, this isn't a great season for you either. I mean, how many people want to go on a blind date just in time to find you a Christmas present? And risk getting invited to your office holiday party? It's a high-pressure time for dating. I was supposed to go on a blind date the week before Christmas and he asked if we could reschedule. That was 2010. And see, ANOTHER holiday season has arrived and now he'll have to wait--AGAIN. He'll call this spring, maybe. No pressure. You guys think he'll call, right? He's supposed to be really cute. He'll probably call as soon as the date holidays settle down. I'm not worried.

Where were we? Oh yeah. Relationship Highway. No exit ramps. Late February. Except all the engagements that I may or may not be unfortunately anticipating. 

**Casual relationships, where both parties are aware that it's casual, have a less strict set of rules. 

Couple Stuff I Don't Understand (Part One)

I have a serious question for couples out there. (Yes, current couples only. It doesn't count if you used to be in a relationship, because if you were any good at it you'd still be in one. Your opinion doesn't count right now.) (Don't take that so personally--I have to include myself in there. Which is why I'm asking for opinions.) (Stop distracting me from the task at hand.)

So, couples. Sometimes when you go out to eat, you end up being seated at a booth. Very few booths are meant for two people, so they're often bigger. Four seats for two people. It's an embarrassment of riches, to be able to choose your seat from so many options! 

So why do you choose to sit on the same side?!? It's ridiculous. You look ridiculous. How do you talk to each other? Unless you're at Buffalo Wild Wings trying to watch the game and you're facing the same television and don't intend to talk to each other, then how do you chat during dinner? Why crane your neck the whole time? There's a perfectly good bench on the other side! 

On top of that, I immediately become suspicious of where your hands are. Are you being sketchy over Thai food? I'm trying to eat here--I WILL call a hand check if I have to. You're gross. 

So, couples--what's the deal? 

PSA

I spent this weekend in the city where I left part of my frozen heart: Northampton. The wedding of a Smith College friend brought us together for a serious weekend of craziness and fun and dancing. We spent Friday night catching up with everyone at our bar, and then had the MOST BIZARRE experience. Several of us left the bar together, and stood together on the street for a few minutes before we parted ways. We talked about, among other things: Finland, Minnesota, psyching yourself up before a presentation, and embarrassing yourself before a presentation. During this 10 or 15 minutes, we were loud. It was a Friday night downtown in a college town--no need for an inside voice. 

And the WHOLE FREAKING TIME, this couple stood two feet away making out. They were really going at it. 

Seriously.

It was disgusting--find somewhere more private than a street corner! WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT ON A STREET CORNER? Take that shit inside somewhere! At least stand in a shop doorway or something! 

Why would you want an audience for that? I'm hoping they were drunk, because that's the only reason I've ever been slightly less concerned about witnesses. DON'T DO THAT SHIT IN PUBLIC.

Unless I make out with Ryan Gosling, in which case I don't give a damn who sees.

This is a post about football. Yes, really.

I'm trying to learn about football. 

Trying. 

I suppose I've been inactively trying to figure out the rules for about a decade, and during my high school years I made a very serious effort. I was in the marching band, so I had a pretty decent opportunity every week--I was required to be at the games anyway. Despite all this, I still don't really get it. Somehow my brain just can't wrap itself around the sport. (By the way, non-US readers, I am in fact talking about American football. Just to clear that up.) 

But this year, I'm trying and perhaps making some progress. The goal is to participate in fantasy football next year--I've been invited to join and honestly? I have a lot of ideas. I can't say much yet, but you're going to want to stick around for that accompanying blog. (Actually, in the meantime you can read this blog, which is following the author's first year of fantasy football, and it's fantastic.)

So what's the catalyst for some of these football facts actually sticking? Good question. When a bunch of us meet weekly for beers and catching up, sometimes we also reprimand each other for choices in our dating lives. (Also sometimes we high five choices. And sometimes a friend makes a choice that earns high fives from some and Disapproving Looks from others. Ok, it's usually me making those controversial decisions.) ANYWAY. This week, B had a lot to share. His relationships have been a straight up rollercoaster lately. So naturally, as any good friends would, we scrutinize and judge his decisions. Because we care. As there was a football game going on at the same time, M took the opportunity to teach me football rules in relationship terms. 

It was genius. I have a pretty good sense of holding, and I DEFINITELY understand when there's a flag on the play. I might finally have a grasp on this! 

I mean, or not. We'll have to see if it sticks, first. Good thing football isn't over for MONTHS AND MONTHS. (I'm trying, you guys, but old habits die hard.) 

Flirting: A Primer

**UPDATE: In my haste to post this, I FORGOT my most reliable move. Apologies. See bottom of post. 

A few days ago I found myself having to explain the different types of flirting I have in my arsenal. My audience seemed surprised--by what, I am still not entirely sure. That I would have variety in my game? That I have any game at all? (Likely.) That I would see the need for more than one kind of flirting? That I could control which level I'm using? I have no idea, but I explained myself all the same. And naturally decided I should provide some illumination for you all, as well. 

The No. Not flirting. I know, it's obvious. But I had to start the scale somewhere. 

The Fundraiser. I call it this because...well, I am constantly at fundraisers. This is the type of flirting you engage in when it's the nice, polite (and helpful--sorry for telling the truth) thing to do. Like when you're asking people for money. If you've ever been roped into selling 50/50 tickets then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Men ask if you'll deliver the prize to them if they win and you smile and tell them they have to buy a ticket to find out, when really you'd like to gag and make A Face at them. The latter is no way to raise money. This kind of flirting is more about charming people.

The Classic. This is reserved for when you're at a party, a bar, an event, whatever. There's someone cute and you're single. Whereas fundraiser flirting is often done out of obligation, this one is genuine. I'm not trying to get you to buy me a drink (see next item). This one is just for fun. It's not about the outcome. You don't care if they ask you out or get your number. (I prefer if they don't, but that's a personal thing.) This is my favorite. 

The Shrew. I call it this because this is the shit I hate. It's what I call any kind of flirting that is self-serving. It's women who get a man to buy them a drink and then walk away without another glance. It's trying to make someone jealous. It's picking a target to be your prop and not hesitating when you walk away after achieving your goal. This one is not in my repertoire. Ugh. 

The Mission. You absolutely care if they ask you out, take you home, or get your number. You care so much. This is about a goal. This is all your best moves. Yeah, you might fail, but you'll do it spectacularly. This is about making something happen. 

The Ryan Gosling. This is when someone is so attractive that you're flirting with them before you even realize it. You don't have time to think it over or rationalize it or map a plan--they're just that attractive. 

Did I miss any of your moves? 



UPDATE: Yes, I did miss one. One of MY moves. 

**The Traveling Salesman. This one. Ah, this one. This one is the best, as far as I'm concerned. Sure, The Classic is my favorite, because it's no pressure fun. But The Traveling Salesman...that's my most successful. The Traveling Salesman is flirting in any situation where one or both of you are on the move. He's in town on vacation, or maybe you've traveled to a wedding. Whatever the situation, this relationship is not a long term option. Which makes it perfect. As a friend pointed out, there is a built-in exit strategy. You definitely want to make something happen, but you don't care if he asks for your phone number--because you're on a different continent. You'll never have to see him again! Who cares if he calls? 

Getting back to dating?

I went on a date. 

It was my first post-relationship date. We have mutual friends and after we met he got my number and texted me a picture of his dog. (As far as I'm concerned, that's like sending me flowers.) We met for drinks that weekend and we talked for a few hours. He made me laugh and then drove me home. 

It was remarkably normal. It wasn't dramatic, sweeping love at first sight, but it wasn't a disaster. I didn't do anything stupid or embarrassing. I didn't talk about my ex. He didn't say anything that threw up a red flag. He was really cool and I had a nice time. I smiled when he texted me a few days later. 

And while it did make me realize that I'm fine "getting back out there" or whatever nonsense everyone keeps telling me, it also made me realize that I'm totally not into anything serious right now. So it wasn't a total loss. 

The other thing I keep hearing is to try internet dating. I'm telling you, I am the worst candidate for internet dating. I'm not saying that because I'm terrified I'll meet a serial killer and have my story told in a Lifetime movie, although that thought does live in the back of my mind. (Get someone awesome to play me. Seriously, you have my permission to start weird internet campaigns, in the event of my untimely internet dating demise.) I just know myself, and I know that I'm way too quick to judge when it comes to reading bios. I can find something wrong with every profile and never feel the need to talk to anyone. I do much better in person. I give people more of a chance when I meet them face to face. If your profile is all about your love of football, I'm clicking away immediately. But if I meet someone who's really into football but he talks about it in an engaging and interesting way, then I'm considering him. 

Internet dating just makes me feel like I should take a self-defense class. Besides, who has time for internet dating when there's a neighbor to stalk? 

Matchmaking Target

Last week I told you that I'm currently experiencing the wing man/woman phase of being single...my friends and family are all over trying to set me up. It's fine, I guess. There's that internal debate around is this too soon, but everyone does that, I suppose. I broke the seal a few weeks ago...remind me to tell you that story sometime. So I suppose now I'm dating? Like, that's a thing I do now? Who knows. It's all weird. 

A few years ago I found myself the target of a few matchmaking attempts. One led to a few fun dates and another asked if we could reschedule. I'm still waiting for him to get back to me with a good time. (Is 2 1/2 years too long to wait for a boy to call back? You guys think he's calling? He's probably been really busy, right?) It was after these and so many false starts that I set some guidelines. 

As you might have suspected, I'm pretty vocal about being single. It's my thing, I can't help it. But really, half the reason I tell everyone I'm single is to potentially facilitate matchmaking. When one of my cousins meets Ryan Gosling and he mentions that he hates eating dinner alone when he's in Michigan, that cousin is going to remember that I'm single. (No, that's not a scenario I've ever considered. Of course not. That's sad and weird. It's an example.) And I have noticed that my tactic works. 68% of the time it works every time. 

But guess what? A lot of single people? Are weirdos. They're single for a reason. (Present company included.) So that's where the guidelines come into play. Before you roll your eyes, thinking I'm about to be some high maintenance 97-item checklist princess, just read. 

Guidelines for Setting Bitter Amanda Up On a Date:
1. Everybody* gets one. 

That's it. Really. Everyone who has asked about setting me up has been informed that they get one chance. This ends up covering way more rules than mine. When people learn they only get one shot, they think carefully about their victims. No more potential dates with any man who happens to be straight, single, and kind of perhaps in my age range. My friends are taking it really seriously. Some of them won't even put things into motion yet, concerned that I'm not ready yet. (AM I EVER?) I'm far less concerned about spending an evening listening to someone talk about fantasy football and the ex he's still in love with. It's actually quite a relief. My friends are not playing around. We'll see what happens...


Oh--wait. There's one more thing that isn't on my list. Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling does not count as anyone's only chance--he's the free square on this bingo card. 

Just so we're all clear. 





*Stubborn siblings get more than one.** Apparently. 

**This exception was set in place after certain siblings, who shall remain anonymous, refused the guidelines.