Thursday, February 21, 2013

Wedding Season. So soon.

Approximately 14% of my friends are planning weddings. 

Not in the way we planned weddings in middle school, when I had to choose which member of 'N Sync I wanted to walk with when my best friend married Justin Timberlake. (I always chose Lance--I really never saw it coming.) I mean real weddings. 

And SO MANY are happening in the sort-of-near-I-guess-I'm-still-waiting-on-official-dates future. I mean, I guess it's not so bad because I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about all of this. My facebook is all pinterest updates and dress fittings. (And how many times a day kids are pooping and shit...I've got to block more of those posts. Nobody cares, really.) 

So basically...this is your heads up. Wedding Season is upon us. Take cover. I have dresses to find and gift registries to peruse. (Seriously, I am not getting you a crème brûlée torch. Unless you swear on your first born that you're making me crème brûlée ASAP. That's how wedding gifts work, right?)

My future, obviously. Great. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Alone today?

Of course you are. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading Bitter Amanda. On Valentine's Day. Be real. 

Have no fear, though. Here are some things to make you feel better: 

1. This dog who cannot walk in socks. I laughed so hard I cried actual tears. 

2. Red is not a flattering color on everyone. 

3. There is actually zero chance that you'll get dumped tonight if things go badly. There is also zero chance that someone will awkwardly propose to you way too early in the relationship because he's pretty sure that's what he should do next. In public. Hooray! No accidentally choking on diamond rings for you! Walk into work confident tomorrow, knowing that while you're alone, you're also no more alone that you were on Valentine's Day. That might not be the case for some people. 

Here's to 50% off chocolate tomorrow, friends! 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

No party like a knitting party.

I went to a knitting party. 

We had a drink and our teacher assured us that the fancy scarf she was holding was within our reach. She said it would take us 5 minutes to learn. 

We looked at each other dubiously, but tucked in and got ready to learn. I was among 2 previous knitters in a group of 9. My knitting experience began when I was about 9 years old and my grandmother taught me. I wasn't very good, but what I lacked in talent I made up for with diligence and enthusiasm. I would knit the skein of pink yarn she gave me into a long scarf-like object, then unravel it and start again. It looked better each time. I didn't knit an actual object until much later, in college. I think I made two scarves and stopped. 

Which brings us to the knitting party several weeks ago. So...not a lot of experience on my end, exactly. The technique came back to me as I became singularly focused on my soon-to-be-scarf. We were using some fancy yarn that's basically a doily you can use to knit. It was a challenge. Soon, the beginnings of a scarf began to form! 
I took a break here to sit next to friends and walk them through the process. After 90 minutes, most of us had a decent handle on what we were doing--and it got really, really quiet. We were roaring with laughter at the start, shouting at each other and chatting as we looked for the ends of the yarn. But seriously, once we got going it was a library. It felt like when you're having dinner at the end of a long day and the appetizers arrive. Conversation pretty much stops. 

Sidenote? I was inspecting our host's new treadmill and knit about 5 rows while walking on the Eiffel Tower stairs setting. MULTI-TASK MUCH? 

I did finish my scarf, after some serious knitting time. I was determined. So determined, in fact, that I decided to make one for a friend. Went over to the craft store yesterday, only to find that they only had one color of Fancy Yarn--and I hated it. (Well, I hated it for my friend.) So off to the second craft store! I could only locate empty boxes where Fancy Yarn used to live. Tracking down an employee, I inquired about their Fancy Yarn. 

You know what I learned, guys? There are Yarn Groupies. Like, this is a thing. Apparently Fancy Yarn is the hottest yarn in town this season, and it gets snatched up the second it goes on shelves! The employee I spoke with said that on days when they get a shipment, people line up outside the store to get it


Now, I know serious crafters. But I never would have guessed that a fabric store would have a line outside because the Fancy Yarn truck was arriving. 

Friday, February 08, 2013

A Public Service Announcement

Attention, teenagers of the world! (And also a fair amount of adults, and you will know who you are shortly.)   Take a time out and read this; you'll thank me later. So will your teachers. (FORESHADOWING.)

This issue has been lingering in my mind for around 15 years, and has recently been dragged out again. So it's time. I can no longer sit by idly while you commit such heinous crimes. It's inexcusable and will not do. I feel a responsibility, as your dysfunctional Mary Poppins, your nanny and therapist, to set you on the right path here. You very clearly need me.

Romeo and Juliet is a traditional part of high school curriculum.  (It's classic literature and has the added bonus of being a nice little cautionary tale about the dangers of not listening to your family or thinking plans through to the end.) Even if you never had to read it, it's a story most people are familiar with. If you're not, go google it. Seriously, right now. That's embarrassing.

Let's talk about this, right here.
The balcony scene. A lamenting Juliet, a headstrong Romeo.One of the most famous scenes from Romeo and Juliet and possibly Shakespeare in general. Here, familiarize thyself. (Also, that Romeo is pretty awesome.)

And you're sitting there, asking what I'm babbling about, thinking that you get enough lessons on this in school, and seriously Amanda what the hell?

Wherefore does not mean where. 

Let me repeat that. The word wherefore, as in O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?, does not, not, NOT mean "where." It's not just a longer version of where, like the extra letters in "olde" and "shoppe" when you're at a Renaissance festival. It's a completely different word.

Wherefore means why. When Juliet is by herself, asking "wherefore art thou Romeo," she's not looking for him, not thinking that he's lurking in the garden below. She's a teenage girl, you guys. She just met a cute boy and now she's analyzing the situation. Overthinking it. She's being a teenage girl. Her question is one sent to the universe, asking WHY Romeo is Romeo; why this boy she's smitten with is the same boy she's supposed to hate. Now Romeo, being a teenage boy and doing what they do, which is thinking with his penis, ran to her house and found her window and is trying to figure out the best way to get onto her balcony--take that to mean whatever you like--when he hears her soliloquy.

But Bitter Amanda, how did you stumble upon this brilliant bit of knowledge? Great question.

Now, take THAT to school with you. Your teachers will be mad impressed.

And if I know anything about teenagers, I know that is your number one goal.