Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Scene from the 4th grade on the classic boys vs. girls argument.

I warned the class that they should be reading quietly, not talking.
R, a girl, informed me: "The boys are the talkative ones."
A, unwilling to accept that kind of treatment, defended his fellow gentlemen. "No! Girls gossip."
I asked, "Girls gossip? What do boys talk about?"
A: "Cars, video games...motorcycles, bikes...game systems."
Alright, that's...a wide range of topics. "And what do girls talk about?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."

Hey, he's still stuck with a view of traditional gender roles. There's time to fix that. But at least he's honest.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Winning line.

The prize-winning, tie-breaking line from R's bachelorette party last week:

(In response to
"You're at the grocery store picking up some fruit. You reach for a Golden Delicious apple and a handsome man reaches for the same one. Your hands meet and you say...")

"If it turns out to be poisoned, would you kiss me awake?"

Team Amanda broke the mold, veering away from the dirty and overtly sexual. It was the only way to beat our competitors. AND IT WORKED. I have the prize to prove it.

In other news, we're having another spirit week next week at work and Monday is Jersey Day. We're assuming they mean a sports jersey, right? Not The Jersey Shore? (I can run out for a bump-it if that's the case.)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

All the single ladies.

I spent this past weekend in greater Chicago, celebrating the wedding of a lovely friend from high school.
The scavenger hunt during the bachelorette party on Thursday was fun. Despite temperatures in the 40s, Team Amanda (yes my teammate was also named Amanda; total score) cleaned up. The Cheesecake Factory did not disappoint (Godiva chocolate cheesecake, I'm looking at you). But the highlight?
Sketchy pickup lines. The scavenger hunt tiebreaker was to come up with the best pickup line for a given situation. The bride read it to us and chose the winner. Team Amanda. Clearly. Am I proud? Absolutely.
It turned into not only our whole evening, but our whole weekend. We took turns reading a situation and judging the best line. (Dear table of gentlemen next to us, I enjoyed watching your eyes bug out as you clearly eavesdropped. Solitarily yours, Bitter Amanda) After the bachelorette party itself, we were still texting each other lines and searching for the others during the reception when we thought of a good one.

So, allow me to share that first, tie-breaking pickup line situation. The one that started it all. Feel free to share your best lines for it!

Our tiebreaker: You're at the grocery store picking up some fruit. You reach for a Golden Delicious apple and a handsome man reaches for the same one. Your hands meet and you say...

PS: More wedding-related posts to follow.

Friday, April 09, 2010


The Cotton Alert placed on a Saturday sock, missing since December 30th, has been lifted after its recovery early Thursday morning.

The Saturday pair is one of seven sets--a Day of the Week set. During a routine laundry day in late December, one of the Saturday socks went missing. One month later, the sock had still not been located. Searchers suspected the worst. The other half of Saturday's pair was put aside in grief. Each laundry day, the search was halfheartedly renewed, yielding no positive results.

However, things changed early Thursday morning, when a pair of seldom-used pajama pants were apprehended from a local closet. Upon a further search, the long-missing Saturday sock was released from captivity within the confines of the pink fabric.

There appeared to be no damage. At last report, both sock and partner were doing well.
The pair reunites after 4 stressful months.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Skanks have feelings too.

So...one of Tiger's numerous mistresses (the porn star) (is it too ambiguous to say THE porn star? I'm not sure...is there just one?) has come out publicly saying that she'd like to speak to Tiger's wife. Her lawyer said she thought they could clear a lot up.

Really? What on Earth makes this woman think Tiger's wife will want to chat? "Oh, yeah, this is Elin returning a slutty phone call? I wanted to hear all about your side of the skanky affair with my famous husband! Starbucks in 20 minutes?"

Mistresses? Don't get to tell the sob story. They don't get apologies. They don't get sympathy. Not when they're the mistress of a famously married man. (You're a grown-up, you know better than that!)
They get made fun of.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Network television won't broadcast this post, I'm sure.

Tampons are meant for a woman's vagina.

Oh, sorry, did I startle you there? Gentlemen, are you ok? I didn't create a panic, did I?

It just seems to me that someone ought to come out and say it. The sanitary product industry is
getting a lot of attention over an ad that was brazen enough to mutter the word "vagina." The ad was rejected and some networks further denied it after vagina was substituted with "down there."
Down there? Even THAT wasn't ok? I'm sorry, are we in 6th grade? Are we going to giggle our way through sex ed during 4th period? Pass notes to each other saying we're "sooo sure that Mrs. So-and-So is qualified to teach us about THAT...it's not like SHE has sex!! LOL"? We're adults; this is hardly acceptable behavior.
It's no wonder I wouldn't buy tampons on my own until late high school. Society doesn't want us to actually talk about it. It's supposed to be our dirty little secret. We can bond over having some chocolate because of the dreaded PMS...we can commiserate when we have cramps. We can even have a public bitchfest when the men in our lives blame everything on our "time of the month." But heaven forbid we engage in an open dialogue.
For years, I've noticed something about print ads for pads and tampons: they're embarrassing. They are full of cutesy metaphors. This overnight pad is in the shape of an umbrella because it will protect you from leaks! It's a recliner because boy, are they comfortable! Then there are the forced attempts at female bonding--like those new ones about "tricking Mother Nature," as if your period is some crafty sorceress out to ruin your beach date. I recall a particularly appalling tampon ad while I was in college. A picture of a tampon surrounded by what looked like paper doll clothes--for your tampon. I believe the point was that the advertised brand of tampons were not fancy and dressed up like other brands--and if you were looking for such qualities, you could go ahead and have craft time with your magazine! One night (which may or may not have involved drinking) I actually went ahead and cut the little dresses and accessories out. A friend stated that I was perhaps the first person to do so, going as far as fitting them to a tampon. It was wholly creepy.
Making me nostalgic for my childhood is hardly a way to sell tampons. It's not like I need much convincing to buy them, or anything.
And television ads...oh my. As if my period has anything to do with riding horses. The TV spot that was discouraged from using anatomical terms was actually all about the embarrassing nature of these ads. Kotex ended up with this spot. It's awesome.

Given that society seems to be rather period-shy, I figure that maybe you just don't know much about it. Maybe you're afraid to ask. So, here we go...

Tampons go in a woman's vagina. They are for her period. Vagina is not a dirty word. (It is also only part of what is "down there" and thus is not what Jennifer Love Hewitt had "vagazzled" ohmygod do not get me started on THAT. JLH needs to stop putting on tampon puppet shows or whatever she's doing and get informed. But that is another blog post for another day.)

Sorry if that upset you, kids.