Sunday, December 31, 2006

Toned down Tenacious D?

I don't usually do this, but I am dedicating this post to whoever wrote The Holiday. Specifically, the Jack Black character. You deserve a post, if not some sort of freaking statue to put on your mantel.
First of all, you managed to write a character that gives us the essence of Jack Black. It's like Jack Black Lite. And that is in no way a bad thing. Second of all, you put that Diet Jack into a romantic comedy , which I did not think would work. Anyone familiar with Tenacious D knows that JB is one of the people in Hollywood you would first name if you were to make a list of "People Who Will Not Fit the Romantic Comedy Mold." (This is perhaps one of the reasons I love The D so much.) I take back my statements regarding that. I take them back and I am ashamed I even thought them, let alone put them out into the universe. Because he is a great romantic comedy character. Totally believable.
My third and most important point is this: you made me like a leading man in a romantic comedy. Do you know how hard that is? It is a very difficult task--one previously thought to be impossible! Well done, writer(s)! Well done indeed. If this Jack Black character existed, I would have a serious crush on him that would make my readers think I was a seventh grade girl hanging up posters of Orlando Bloom. You would be embarrassed to be seen with me; my love would be so great.

So this goes out to you, whoever you are. Job well done.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Mistletoe: friend or foe?

I bet you read the title of this post and guessed what I was going to write. I think you'll find yourself corrected, however.
Like religion and when to have sex, mistletoe is a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. Some people think it's a cute holiday tradition; others find it a detestable annoyance that clouds up an otherwise joyful holiday season. And however you feel is fine. What is not fine, however, is mistletoe peer pressure. Peer pressure is not a friend of mine, let me tell you!
That said, I support the overall goal of mistletoe. I'm sure it has origins in some lonely guy trying to get some love. Can you blame him, really? The holiday season is full of the message that couples have a better time. I say, no, we cannot blame that guy. Nor can I blame any other guy (or lady!) looking to do a little kissing. Rejection is a bitch, so sometimes you have to fall back on tradition. Thus, the mistletoe. And while I loathe the PDA, I will let mistletoe kisses slide. (To a certain degree, people. Let's not lose our heads. It's a privilege, so don't abuse it or I'll take it away.) Personally , I am more in the "mistletoe is evil" camp and am THAT PERSON who does a quick scan for it upon entering a holiday party. And I will avoid that area all night, unless it's somewhere key, like by the bathroom or the bar table. In that case (you bastards.) I try to make my time in that area minimal. That whole float like a butterfly thing, ignoring the boxing reference.
My concern lies in the potential. What mistletoe could morph into. Will we see mistletoe public service announcements, with the cast of Grey's Anatomy warning our youth that, "Just because someone tells you it's a tradition, that doesn't mean you have to do it"? A Lifetime movie? "Meet Me Under the Mistletoe...Or Else!" Will this harmless tradition turn into one more thing mothers shout as their daughters leave for a night out with friends? "Stay together, keep an eye on your drinks, and watch out for any mistletoe!!" I shudder to imagine such a reality.
And there you have it. Party on, mistletoe lovers. But make sure that your victims don't mind. No means no, even in the glowing lights of a Christmas tree.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Is nothing sacred?

Clearly I am a liar, since I left you hanging onto a promise I never fulfilled.

I was shopping in Target when we last spoke, and saw some new kind of chocolate product. Being human and only able to withstand so much temptation, I checked it out. It is called, disgustingly enough, Chocolove. Now, at first I thought that perhaps it was dedicated to the product within. You know, "I love chocolate so damn much I'm going to name this very chocolate AFTER my affection." sort of thing. I might be tempted to do the same thing if I, you know, made chocolate bars. (That would be tragically dangerous.) So I picked it up and was reading about the company. And this guy says he only uses the finest ingredients, etc. It's for the distinguished chocolate fan, I guess. Cool. I'm on board with that.
But THEN, I saw something that made me gasp. I was so distraught I started a rant right there in the aisle of Target, which, apparently for my sister, was embarrassing. So much so that she left me talking to myself...until I bumped into a girl I graduated from high school with and haven't seen since...high school graduation. Great. Awkward situations are my favorite!
What, you may ask, was so horrifying? A little bubble on the wrapper, telling me that the wrapper itself has a love poem on the inside!
Why must even the chocolate bar, that which is sacred and reserved for the single and alone (with the exception of Valentine's Day, when couples force us to share) be a vessel for words of love?

I understand that I may have overreacted. So I took a minute to look over the website when I got home. Maybe it just said "poem inside." That, I would like. You know, a little culture with my chocolate. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe...
"The package design would resemble a love letter sent from a distant land, and inside each wrapper - a classic romantic poem."
Honestly, chocolate company, why do you hate me? I do not want to open my candy and pretend that I have some boyfriend in a "distant land" who adores me and sends me poems. I want to eat my chocolate. Period. End of story.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

And the heavens opened.

Do you hear that? That, my friends, is the glorious sound of someone realizing what they were doing wrong and enabling commenting.
I really DON'T know much about computers. Ha.

I'm tired right now, but tomorrow I will be back to tell you a sad tale of one man taking away from single people what has rightfully been theirs since the beginning of time!

Stay tuned.