Friday, December 21, 2012

Dating Checklist

A few nights ago, Twin and a friend of ours were discussing internet dating. Our friend's daughter is trying it, and both she and Twin are finding it...less than ideal. Both of them have tired of generic guys and their generic messages. Conversation turned to if being picky is a bad thing, and how picky is too picky.

I was reminded of the only episode of Millionaire Matchmaker I've ever seen. (She's just not enough of a trainwreck for me to watch regularly. Good for her.) A woman walked in with a huge list of her requirements in a man. It was out of control. Patti told her in no uncertain terms that her list was too long. Patti says you're allowed to have five deal-breakers, and that you should give a chance to anyone who passes that list. Surprisingly enough, I'm with her on that. (Unless, of course, your gut is telling you there's a problem. I'm all about gut feelings, remember? Anyway.) Five things that you won't bend on, and after that everything else is just a preference. 

Telling Twin about this, she said, "Have you heard about the girl with the list?" 

...No. I have no idea what that means. 

Guess what. The girl with the list is hilarious. And slightly concerning. I guess she's some woman on Bravo? Her show is Miss Advised. I haven't seen it, but Julia Price did a song about her. (If you're not familiar with Julia Price, check her out on youtube, and definitely listen to "Girlfriend".) 

The Checklist Song by Julia Price

THIS WOMAN HAS A CHECKLIST OF 88 THINGS SHE WANTS IN A MAN. I mean, she really has a list. It's not one of those "in your head" mental checklists that you consult when your date says he has a dog or whatever. It's a real list. And it's really specific and somewhat repetitive and straight up nuts. Check it out, right now. 

Be real. Is this reasonable? Am I in the minority? I can't be, come on. 88 THINGS?? Not to be all negative (...just kidding) but...I don't think that guy exists. Write a book about him and make millions. He sounds like a catch. 

Thursday, December 06, 2012

He could have at least handed me a drink, also.

Last weekend, when I was busy running into my stalker/stalkee , I noticed a disturbing new trend. I'm calling it a trend because it happened to me and another woman, with separate people, and as far as I'm concerned that's a pattern. 

Twice during our night out, while we were making the rounds at a local bar (I know that sounds really pretentious--I hear it. Let it go.) we were both victims of drive-by business carding

Like a charm. 

It's exactly what it sounds like, you guys. I was having a conversation with this guy, and another guy I've never seen before in my life walked by me, handed me a business card, and kept walking. HE KEPT WALKING. Initially, I had no idea what had happened because who does that? I said out loud, as he was still passing, "What is this?" (I'm so smooth, guys.) I took a look and it was his business card. Well, I assume it was his. It could be that he thought I needed to speak to the management at a rental car place. I have no idea, since that was the extent of our interaction! I continued my conversation with the first guy, not interested in pursuing Mr. Rental Car in the least. When I reunited with my friend shortly after that, she held up two business cards. (Neither were from my guy.) 

WHAT IS HAPPENING? I'm not excited about this turn of events. So I've come to you for help. Is this a thing now? I mean, is this something we're doing? Something we're comfortable with as a society? Has anyone else been through this? Dudes, would you ever/have you ever tried this tactic? I wonder what the success rate is on strolling past a woman and handing her something. Isn't that like handing out flyers? We all just recycle those, yes? SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Help me out, friends. 

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Game on.

There is a very real possibility that I am stalking someone, that he is stalking me, or a bizarre combination of the two. 

It's not quite as weird as it sounds. 

Ok, it totally IS weird, but not creepy "news at 11" weird. 

About...15 months ago or so, I met this guy at a bar. I'll call him FL, because he probably reads my blog SINCE WE ARE EVERYWHERE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES. I can't give you any more details than that, even though they make this story even better. It'll just make it more awkward at our next (inevitable) meeting. He's probably been waiting anxiously for me to blog about him. YOU WIN THIS ROUND, I GUESS. Anyway, we met at this bar and it was just like any other time I start conversations with randoms at a bar. I was there for a charity pub crawl, which I told him about and he told me about these charity things that he does. We chatted until it was time for me to crawl away. Several bars later, he located me and recognized me and remembered me! (This is not really a big deal, you might be thinking...but it will be important later. Trust me.) 

A month later, at a completely separate community charity event, which was not the one we talked about, I saw FL. When he looked at me, there was no recognition at all. I thought nothing of it, since we met at a bar and come on, it would not be surprising for one or both of us to forget about it. 

Saw him again a couple months later--yes, more community/charity stuff because guess what guys, I am actually a very active member of my community. And he didn't recognize me there either, naturally.

But that changed. Several months after that, I was out with friends celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And, of course, there was FL, since we not only like charity events, but the same local dive bar. We have many common interests. While I was ordering at the bar, near him, he said something to me about the volume of my voice while I ordered. (You're all shocked to learn that I have a loud voice. It's a BAR.) He invited me to have a shot with him and the friend standing there. We had a drink, joked around for a minute, and I walked away. He caught me again later (you guys, I have a very magnetic personality) and we spoke for a few minutes. He introduced himself, saying, "We've met before." And because I'm a high maintenance brat who won't give you the satisfaction, I said very casually, "Oh, have we?" He told me the location and circumstances surrounding our meeting. VERY CURIOUS, don't you think? 

I did my best to ensure that he'd remember me. (Stop that, I didn't do anything slutty.) I told him his novelty holiday tie was crooked and insisted on retying it myself. Here's a Bitter Amanda Fun Fact: sober, I can correctly tie a tie roughly 50% of the time. On St. Patrick's Day, that statistic drops to about...0%.  So that took me...a while. I may or may not have devoted upwards of 20 minutes on that project before ultimately giving up and handing it back to him, untied. It wasn't pretty, but that girl? You don't forget that girl. Confident, I walked away from FL and went home. FL saw my A game that night. 

Spring brought another event, and I went with a bunch of friends. Guess who was volunteering at this event? 

Of course he was. He sold me a drink. 

With the blank look reserved for total strangers. 

My friends laughed, because of course my efforts on St. Patrick's Day were fruitless. Until an hour later. He walked past me at a bar--not the same one we usually meet at, mind you--and caught my attention. He jumped in the picture we were taking, then introduced himself, saying, "We've met before." This time out of spite, I once again feigned confusion. "Oh, have we?" He reminded me that it was St. Patrick's Day at That Other Bar. I suddenly remembered him, and he flirted with me for a few minutes before sitting himself down on some woman's lap and introducing me to his girlfriend. 

AWESOME. That is just super. I actually laughed out loud and went back to my friends. Fool me twice, FL...

The twice I've seen him since then (once while I was volunteering and once at the bar...of course) I have actively avoided eye contact because I couldn't be bothered. Then just this weekend, I was at another pub crawl and of course he was at the bar. He ended up talking to some of my friends and volunteered to help us out in the future BECAUSE OF COURSE. Later that night, he got my attention and reminded me that he'd help us out, then shook my head and--can you guess? Can you just freaking guess what happened? OF COURSE YOU CAN. 

"We've met before." 

I held back a mighty eyeroll. "Oh, have we?"