Judging You: Reality vs. Fiction

So here's the thing about people: I generally like them. I KNOW, LET ME EXPLAIN. I'm talking about people I've gotten to know. I generally like them. Like I don't want anything bad to happen to them and I don't mind talking to them at a meeting or a party. I don't have a long list of enemies.

Strangers are a whole different issue--lots of strangers annoy me. I don't want to listen to your phone conversation, I don't want to see you kissing your girlfriend, I want you to take your screaming baby home instead of browsing the shoe department at Target. I want you to walk faster in the airport terminal and I would love it if you stopped being rude to the barista at Starbucks. Strangers get on my nerves. Often.

But people I know? I mostly like them. There are people I try to avoid because I don't enjoy my time with them, of course. The people you say hi to in public but you don't invite to join you unless someone else mentions it first. However, the number of people I truly loathe is pretty small. Easily less than a dozen over the course of my nearly three decades. These are people I hide from in public. People who make me genuinely angry. The thing I've noticed about these people is that it's usually mutual hatred. They don't want to be around me any more than I want to be around them. We'll both look away and act like we haven't seen the other. When forced we'll make small talk centering around the weather. I'll try very, very hard to control my face because I've no poker face whatsoever. (I was physically yanked away from one of those unfortunate dozen once, in a pub. Apparently I was being "really rude and making faces." Allegedly. Well maybe if she hadn't been such an idiot and told consistently terrible stories, I wouldn't have been making any faces...allegedly.) 

Confession: most of those people that I can't stand? We've either been facebook friends at some point** or I've creeped on their social media. I've checked out everything short of their LinkedIn profiles, because LinkedIn is a NARC and tells people who looked at their profile and it's too easy to forget you're logged in when you're google stalking someone. So yeah, I've kept tabs on those people. It's tempting to take a peek from time to time and find out if you're still dating that girl who isn't as pretty as my friend that you dumped. On a bad day, yeah maybe I will judge the bridesmaid dresses you chose for your wedding. Sure, I've made a mental note of the grammar in your status updates. Oh please, like you've never done that.

It's a morbid curiosity. I have to know. 

Let's table that topic for a second. I have a point, I promise.

Lately I've read several books that I really enjoyed despite not liking a single character. The characters are well written and interesting, but I can't stand them. I wouldn't want to hang out with any of them. (The books in question are Gone Girl and Dark Places by Gillian Flynn and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen--I recommend all three.) I'm still reading Freedom because I had to take a break from the characters for a few weeks. Every new situation has me asking them what they're thinking. I put it down and read a couple other books before I felt I could deal with Franzen's creations again. But it's so good! 

So tell me: why is it ok for me to hate them and still read about their lives, while I'm considered childish for reading about the lives of real people I can't stand?*** It feeds the same morbid curiosity, right? I mean, the books are far more compelling than a boring instagram feed. I get it, the guy at your coffee shop knows how to make pictures in your latte. Every single day. Great. But we're allowed to question a character's choices. Sure, I question the judgment of Flynn's main character and I'm engaging with the text and developing critical thinking skills. But I question the choices of a former nemesis and it's rude and judgmental and petty. WHY? Which is it, world?? Make up your mind!  

Anyone else? No? Let me know.





**It should be noted that I did some spring cleaning about a year ago and removed people I can't stand from various profiles. It felt pretty good and I've been much less tempted. You proud? 

***For the record, I'm talking about observing. I'm not talking about commenting or sharing or any other troll-like behavior. Just reading and commenting internally and keeping it all to myself unless I have to call my BFF about it, but that doesn't go any further. If you're doing shit like reading your ex's facebook and commenting on it about hating her new boyfriend, you need a different hobby.

Kissing Strangers

I tried to resist. I stayed away from the topic for as long as I could, thinking it would go away. But if my facebook newsfeed is any kind of indicator, we're still talking about that First Kiss video. Parodies are still popping up, so I guess we're not quite over it.

In case you've been living under a rock, this is the video I'm talking about: 

So twenty strangers are asked to kiss each other for the first time in front of a camera. Of course there was more to it: turns out it was put on by a clothing company, which explains why everyone is well-dressed. And they used actors and musicians, so of course they're all quite lovely. (Can you spot Damian from OkGo? I missed him the first time. Sneaky.) So is it exactly as advertised? Lots of people are saying no. I maintain that yes, it is--they're still people kissing for the first time on camera. (I was going to say they're strangers to each other but I can't back that up.) 

Did I like the video? Surprisingly, yes. But Bitter Amanda, you're saying out loud looking like a weirdo, you can't stand people making out in public! In fact you're rather rude to people kissing in front of you. What made this different? Great question, readers. And part of my answer is that they weren't actually kissing in public--not counting the camera, of course. They weren't blocking my path to the restroom or exit. But that's just part of it. 

The main reason I liked it? These people are having a real moment with each other without a romantic backstory. Kissing strangers if often portrayed as a pathetic, lonely, (drunk) experience. And that bothers me. 

Why? Because I like kissing strangers. Kissing strangers can be awesome. I don't usually kiss them right away, since that's tough to get away with unless you have some romantic comedy plotline to help you out. (You know, oh that guy over there won't leave me alone and I said you were my boyfriend kiss me so I can prove it to him!)** I usually engage in a bit of flirting first...then I kiss them. 

Some people want to criticize that. Some people believe that you have to create these moments using a relationship algorithm. Smile, introduction, flirting, phone number, three days, dinner, kiss. They want to see the experience as pathetic and desperate and sloppy. And maybe it is, sometimes. (Then again, there is value in those moments too.) But as First Kiss (and my personal experiences...) show, it doesn't have to be. It can be sweet and fun and sexy and yes, it can be intimate. And you can walk away and never see them again and it doesn't lose any value! 

My point here? Despite what movies show us, you don't have to be long suffering star-crossed lovers for a kiss to be worthwhile. A kiss isn't better if you know their middle name. It doesn't have to be about love at all. It just has to be about does this person want to kiss me and do I want to kiss them? (Alright, YES, sometimes there is a bit more to it--is it permissible/legal/whatever--that's a bigger topic for some other time. If you're not sure about those issues you should hold off on kissing. You're getting distracted.) 

Calm down, committed couples. Your kisses are good too. (AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP THE LINE AT STARBUCKS.) Kissing someone you have feelings for--ugh--or whatever is great. As long as you can convince yourself that your relationship isn't a lie. Of course I don't mean your relationship--yours is fine...I mean other relationships...

So weigh in here, readers--what did you think of First Kiss? 

**Wait, do you guys think I could get away with using those kind of lines? 

Talking to Strangers

Given how much I travel, one might think I would get better at scheduling blog posts during my absence. (I do that but not often enough.) Sometimes I just don't have a lot to say, though--and whether that's a good or bad thing depends entirely on your perspective. The biggest factor lately is that I just haven't been concerned with meeting men. Ok, that's only partially true. I've been very concerned with men but only ones who will put their face on mine for a little bit and then not ask for my phone number. So...I guess really I haven't been concerned with dating. If I cared about you all more I would probably try harder so I had stories to tell you. Perhaps in the future. 

This weekend, though...I met a lot of men. I went to DC on Friday, for a meeting that ran through Sunday. I extended my trip through Tuesday evening so I could visit with friends. And let me tell you...I made friends all over DC. 

I'll spare you the details of the guy preaching by the White House and the guy making ambulance noises in front of one of the museums. But all day Monday, I made friends. Guys checking bags inside museums had stories to tell me and wanted to tease me. Guys serving coffee wanted to chat. Fundraisers cornered me to badger me into donating money--one in particular high fived me too many times and was rather offensive after I turned him down. Fortunately, his supervisor caught me and asked me some questions to evaluate the new guy. My fellow Midwesterners sat down next to me to tell me all about their visit to our nation's capital. At the airport on Tuesday, I had a chat with TSA as I waited for my bags to be scanned. (Probably my favorite--we talked about Converse.) 

I'm not new to the idea of talking to strangers--I actually do that pretty regularly. But I think I experienced far more of it than usual during my day wandering around DC. Do you guys talk to strangers? What is it about someone that makes you chat with them? Is it proximity--stuck in line at the grocery store? Or is it something else? Leave a comment or send a message and let me know what you think! 



(Actually...now that I think about it, it's probably payback for me playing my favorite crowded place game all day... a story for another day.)

Stranger Danger

I hate when strangers adopt a false sense of familiarity with me. I can't stand when telemarketers answer your hello with a friendly "Hey Amanda!" so I don't hang up right away, struggling to match that voice with someone I actually know.I don't want a waitress to scoot into the booth while I order just to be the cool staff who chats with my group. I don't want people to knock on my door with the secret friend or whatever knock when they're showing up to proselytize. 

I'm not offended by strangers introducing themselves to me. 

In fact, I introduce myself to strangers pretty regularly. It's one thing to turn around at the bar and ask the guys at the table behind you if they chose the music on the jukebox. It's fine to find someone on social media and comment on their blog, tweets, whatever. It starts a getting to know you process. 

Sometimes that process goes quickly. You can bond with other women in the ladies room in no time if you're both drunk and putting on lip gloss. You can make fast friends when someone else jumps onto the dance floor at the same time you do. You feel pretty close to people after spending a few hours next to them on an airplane. But you have to go through SOME kind of process. You find common ground, even if that's just "we shared an armrest for 4 hours and also helped each other with that crossword puzzle in the in-flight magazine."

But you can't jump into familiarity. When you approach me and address me casually and use some ridiculous pet name, like we go way back, we have a problem. I received a message on facebook, from someone I do not know, with no mutual friends. His message starts with, "Hello my dear." I'm not your dear. I'm not your anything. (And if you're wondering if a 50-something man tried to hit on me, you're correct.) Delete.

This week I received both a friend request and a message from another random--we have literally nothing in common to suggest how he found me. "You're really pretty. Don't be shy. Can we be friends?" NOPE. Also I don't plan on being shy, I plan on ignoring you. I don't know you. 

You have to let me learn enough that I want to be your friend! Will we have stuff to talk about? What kind of stuff would we do together? Will you send me entertaining snapchats? Can I repeatedly send you links to things I found on youtube? These are things I think about when considering a new friendship. 

It's one thing to introduce yourself to a strange. It's another to act like the introduction is your favorite inside joke and demand their time and attention. Strangers don't owe you anything, so don't be a creep. Not to mention, Random Facebook Guy, I don't know that I want to be friends with Regina "you're really pretty" George. That just makes me think you're going to talk behind my back after I thank you.