Thursday, February 26, 2015

The Worst Kind of People

Forgive my absence, friends. I have been brimming with anger for well over a week now, but I have also been fiercely battling a full calendar. 

I ventured into public on Valentine's Day. I realize this might be viewed as a rookie mistake, but it was in the pursuit of brunch! And for a breakfast cocktail, I will brave most of the elements, including the arctic temperatures, howling wind, and myriad couples that plagued Detroit on February 14th. 

Brunch was surprisingly free of PDA--way to go, fellow diners. (And if you're in the Detroit area, I seriously recommend Selden Standard--I've had both brunch and dinner there and it's fantastic.) But then...things took a turn. I went to the Detroit Institute of Arts, fully expecting to be assaulted by couples having a romantic afternoon, gross. And while yes, that did happen and it was gross, there was a definite high point and low point to the visit. 

The DIA itself was excellent as usual. They were doing this really cool activity--they gave all the guests a red foam heart and asked them to place it in front of their favorite piece of art. It was awesome to walk around and see where everyone left them. 

A heartbroken museum-goer expressing their feelings? No, just an undecided museum patron. We found the other half later in front of another piece of art. Two favorites--that's fine. I felt better--because sure, hate on love...but who could hate art? 

You know what I could definitely hate? The terrible event that I encountered next.

A wedding. A WEDDING. 

I wandered over to the Rivera frescoes and had to stop because there was a goddamn wedding party taking pictures! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. In the middle of the afternoon on a Valentine's Day Saturday! The museum was crazy busy and the Rivera room is arguably one of the most popular spots at the DIA and this bridal party is taking picture after picture after picture, right there, because they're the most important people in the world. They were lucky I was content from brunch, because that was basically the only thing stopping me from jumping in some bridal party portraits. Selfie with the bride? Almost happened. 

After my initial rage passed, I was struck by another thought, perhaps even more irritating than blocking a museum for your pictures. 

They got married on Valentine's Day. I mean...seriously? Somewhere, there were dozens* of dressed up people waiting for the reception to start! ON VALENTINE'S DAY. Now, the holiday is not important to me, and I would be very likely to schedule a root canal on February 14th without batting an eye. But some people, God knows why, actually like to celebrate Valentine's Day. It's not exactly a secret underground holiday. It's pretty publicized. How selfish do you have to be to decide that your love is such a special unique snowflake, that you're not only going to be the center of your spouse's attention that day, but all the important people in your life? Sorry friends, family, loved ones...your love is great and all but today is about me and MY relationship! A Valentine's Day anniversary, how original. 

(And, on top of all that, you've now combined present holidays! Anniversary gift? Valentine's Day gift? You only get one now, sorry.) 

UGH IT WAS THE WORST. It's one thing giving up a weekend for a wedding, but a holiday weekend? SELFISH AND UNORIGINAL.


Monday, February 09, 2015

I'm trying to help you.

Valentine's Day is this weekend. 

Yes it is the worst.
Looks like I'm headed right, then. 

I know some of you celebrate the holiday, though. It is, after all, an obligation holiday. And no matter how casual or young your relationship might be, it feels like a dick move to ignore Valentine's Day. Because you're not dicks (at least, not all of you), many of you will end up browsing for a greeting card that expresses the perfect sentiment sometime in the next few days. And because I care about you**, I decided to check out the selection while I was shopping, in hopes of giving you some suggestions. 

Yikes. Guys, it's real rough. Every single card I picked up featured the L word. They're all predictably sappy and wordy and WE GET IT YOU'RE IN LOVE, but at least I expected that garbage. But they're alllllllll about love. And I realized that a lot of you can't give that to your partner, for various reasons. Mainly, that you haven't said that yet or that you don't mean it anymore. So...two reasons. But those are two big reasons! And you can't very well get a card shouting the L word in those situations! What's a Valentine shopper to do?!

Chill out--I've got your back. Knowing that commercial greeting cards seldom cover the range of emotions the average shopper is looking to express, I've created a line of cards you can use. I think they cover the ground missed by Hallmark and their competitors. I hope you'll find them useful. They're suitable for printing or texting. 


**sort of.