Thursday, July 31, 2008

An unfair move, deodorant.

Dear Secret Deodorant,
Yesterday, I threw an epic hissy fit in my local Target. I'm not kidding--my mother walked away while my sister attempted to bring me down from my ledge. I was not having any of that. I am 24 years old, Secret. It is no longer socially acceptable for this to happen! Do you know why this happened?

Because of you, that's why.

Deodorant is one of those very important items in a girl's life that she doesn't mess around with. Like tampons and face wash. You search and search and search for the perfect one...and when you find it, you do not leave it. So imagine my surprise when I couldn't find my usual deodorant at CVS last week. Ah well, I figured, it's probably just out of stock. But yesterday at Target, I could no longer live in denial. If Target didn't have what I was looking for, in any scent at all, that was no fluke.
You discontinued it, didn't you?? With no warning whatsoever, you ripped it off the shelves and left me to fend for myself. You are lucky that I am not desperate for a new one yet, because if I was completely out, things would have gotten ugly.
I seriously hope that whatever new thing you've released, with its pseudo-scientific words and myriad promises, works out. Otherwise, you'll be hearing from me.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


You know, JC Penney, I think that you're a pretty good store. You helped me dress as an adult when I joined the workforce. Well done. But this new commercial you've got going, this neo-Breakfast Club thing? It is not ok. Repeat NOT OK. What are you thinking? That movie is a classic, and those kids are not The Brat Pack. Despite your use of the movie's trademark Simple Minds song, I was not swayed into believing that I was watching a short, modern version of the movie.

Off to finish my Shirley Temple of Doom.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Vicious lies.

Last night I was at a planning meeting for the annual KDB Melanoma Walk. This is our third year doing the walk, which was started in honor of a dear friend who lost her battle with cancer before our first event.
We discussed some somber topics at our meeting. Other than melanoma. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a serious problem. (In the year 2008, there will be over 62,000 new cases and over 8,000 deaths from melanoma. Scary. Sunscreen up, kiddos.) I’m talking about something different here. There has been a rumor going around the internet, and my friends cited it like real news. Here's the story: the CDC reported a 230% increase in herpes since 2007 among 17-21 year olds. A shocking figure, yes? The reason? Beer pong. People, a quick google search will reveal that this story is riduculous. A doctor would never, never suggest that "using the waterfall method" will keep you safer during a friendly game of pong! Of course beer pong is gross! Think about it! That ball goes on the ground and you just put it back in play! Some people do the rinse, but after a couple is it really doing you any good? (That'd be a no.) I hardly think we need the CDC telling us what we should already know--any game where basement debris or dirt or garage dustbunnies can get into the communal beer is, by its very nature, fairly disgusting.

BUT that does not change the facts. Beer pong is a delightful game, an American tradition like baseball and apple pie. People, stop slandering its good name!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

You complete me.

Oh, Moose Tracks ice are wonderful. Not only are you delicious and let's face it, more reliable than a boyfriend, but you have gone and perfected yourself! Extreme Moose Tracks. You made the ice cream chocolate instead of vanilla. Such a small change, but so significant! I think I might be in love.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Quite a present.

Kids, I am back. It was a rather spectacular trip. Stories to come, I assure you--they're worth hearing! While I was away, I had a birthday. (Whoo! Yes?) Because of that, the twin and I exchanged pictures once I got home. I opened my large gift bag to find a green messenger bag. Thanks,'s awesome! A bit more...utilitarian...than the bag I would normally choose for myself, but it's nice!

Twin: "Since it's our 24th birthday, I decided you needed a Jack Bauer themed gift!"
Ahhh, I see! A classic Jack Bauer bag! I do love him. Nicely done! But it's heavy! Something inside?
Oh yes. I pulled out the following.

 a hacksaw. Thank you?

I don't know what to do with this. And, dear twin, it is by far the most bizarre and disturbing thing you have ever given to me. Can you explain to me why you got me OH MY GOD A HACKSAW! I get it!
The bag isn't the whole Jack Bauer's a whole kit! And now I can be like Jack and cut the heads off of my enemies to give as gifts! Or rather, I could if my father hadn't dulled the blade for my safety. (Thanks Dad!)

Among the rest of my bounty: handy maps and books, a badge, handcuffs, and dart gun! Not shown: the blueprints of a building, a nightscope, and my sister-in-law's broken PDA.

Despite all the work the twin clearly put into this project, and the fact that it is truly awesome, I will always remember it as the birthday when Amy got me a hacksaw.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Welcome home?

The twin and I just got matching text messages from our brother.

"punch your sister now."

We approached each other from different rooms, phones open in hand, confused looks. Still waiting to hear if there was a reason for this or if the man is just touched.

In other news, I'm back from Italy! News to follow.