Monday, October 29, 2012

Disorganized Ranting

Before I being today's rant, let me just tell you the source I'm working from here: Huffington Post. I don't get my news there, but they are quick to post cat pictures and the latest "Call Me Maybe" to go viral. (I know, I guys the "Call Me Maybe" thing is a serious problem for me but I can't and won't apologize. I love it too much. My itunes most played list reflects that. That's a story for another day.) Sometimes I flip through the Huff Post twitter feed.

Let's talk about a couple articles they posted recently. I found one that was about things men hate to see in women's homes. Ok, I thought, I'll bite. What things do men hate? Turns out, it was posted as a response to, naturally, things that turn women off about where men live.

For that list, female editors around Huffington Post were asked about the stuff they see in guy's places that grosses them out. A lot of it was pretty basic: dirty dishes in the sink, mousetraps, bugs, no toilet paper, no towel in the bathroom. I'll go with most of those things. Although I didn't think most of them were specific to ladies visiting a guy. I don't care where I am, if there isn't a place to dry my hands except a still-damp bath towel that I'm pretty someone used to dry their ass? I'm not feeling terribly welcome. Some of them were also silly and very specific, clearly a woman with one horrible experience who has been taking it out on guys ever since. (Seriously, these women cited lava lamps as turn offs.) Some items were more a reflection on the guy and what you're looking for in a relationship. For me, I'm not offended by cheap Ikea coffee tables. I'm still in a fairly transient part of my life. My friends move a lot. They move across the country a lot. We're in our 20s--Ikea was made for us. Another woman said she's turned off by a guy with no books around. AND I CAN GET BEHIND THAT. Does anyone else remember that episode of Cribs where Moby was sad that celebrities don't have books? So he showed off his collection? We have the same version of The Hobbit. Do any of you remember Cribs? Am I too old now? Do you want to talk more about my nerd books? Or would you prefer we focus on Reasons Amanda is Single? Your choice! 


I'm not saying this list was ok, but some of it was reasonable. 

So then I read the list where guys tell us what sucks in our houses, ladies. In this appropriately scientific study, the staff at Huff Post "asked around" and found out some stuff that turns guys off. They don't even cite which guys. Despite this shady foundation, I pressed ahead. 

So here, ladies of the internet, are some of the things we need to ditch ASAP if we hope to snag a man. Just like the other list, some of it made sense. Guys hate hair in the sink--interestingly, this also made the other list. Looks like we all need to clean our disgusting sinks. Photos of your ex seemed like a no-brainer to me, but apparently enough women are keeping these around that guys brought it up. Get rid of those. It's more healthy anyway. BUT THE REST OF THE LIST. Oh man. 

The rest of the list reads like an adolescent boy who is still afraid of girls. Cats. "Fancy" cups. Tampons. Stuffed animals. (Actually...this one depends on their location, prominence in the home, and quantity. Fair point dudes.) Blankets on your bed. TAMPONS. Guys, what the hell is a fancy cup? Like a teacup? Even if I have other, more masculine cups to offer you? I can't drink my tea out of something nice? Also, cats? Really? An animal? REALLY? Maybe if some lady is dressing it up and the cat has a vlog and she talks to it in a baby voice and it consumes her life. But telling women that cats turn you off not only sounds ridiculous but THE JOKES I AM HOLDING BACK ARE TOO MUCH TO TAKE. And tampons...I can't even start on this one. 

WOMEN OF THE WORLD: hide your tampons! None of us will find a man if we leave those lying around our own homes as if we live there or something! Just because we need them doesn't mean men have to know about them! Shield their delicate sensibilities! I hope you have a fainting couch ready if he spots them because oh my, will you have some explaining to do then! We have to find men to trick into marrying us! HE CAN'T KNOW ABOUT TAMPONS UNTIL YOU HAVE A RING ON YOUR FINGER. 

You guys, I need to stay off Huffington Post. Life lessons. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This is my face.

Guys, I didn't feel like typing tonight--felt like a chat instead. Don't worry, I'll get back to typing next time. 

Let's talk about marriage. Oh my. 

Saturday, October 06, 2012

But not a spoonful of sugar.

In light of a frustrating trip to CVS last week, I cleaned out my purse today. Not my whole purse. Every little pocket. (And I love little pockets.) There was the usual: wallet, pen, keys, mints. However, in addition to the things you're generally supposed to have in a purse as large as mine, here's a partial list of what I found. 

  • a bird finger puppet
  • coins from Brazil, Norway, Bulgaria*, Canada, and a German euro**
  • a seashell
  • a Tinkerbell charm which I believe fell off a keychain some years ago
  • notes I wrote after seeing a psychic
  • three coffee sleeves (Starbucks, Tim Horton's, Biggby)
  • two separate bets made with friends..."Amanda, you keep this because you won't lose it" YOU ARE CORRECT
  • a stray ribbon
  • a playing card from when I lived in Ireland
  • a diamond ring party favor
  • an allen wrench
  • a temporary tattoo from the Peter Pan bus line
  • a fortune telling fish
  • a venn diagram that Twin drew for me at the bar one night ***(see below for reproduction)
  • a coupon for a free pretzel from the mall (!!)
  • a shocking number of hair pins and safety pins and paperclips and band-aids and one of those coffee cup stoppers
  • five (FIVE) different lip products
I'll let you decide what all THAT says about me as human being/future hoarder/Mary Poppins-Little Mermaid hybrid. Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? 
I removed the ribbon, which will likely end up being the only damn item on the list I'll wish I had. 

Except that CVS card. I'll definitely keep wanting that. Sigh. 

*Yeah, Bulgaria is working on adopting the I won't even be able to use it. 
**Also, I haven't even been to most of those countries.

***figure A