Throwback Thursday

A few years ago, I met my mom at work for some retirement party or holiday party or some other event. Whatever, it was a social function after work and I worked in the neighboring building and was tight with a lot of her coworkers. During this party of questionable origin, one of her coworkers I wasn't particularly approached me and naturally asked if I was single. (And I won't leave you in suspense, dear readers. Yes, I was single.) So she starts going on and on about her single son and she shows me his picture and I say yes, he's very handsome and cool he has a career that's great and she fumbles with a cell phone she doesn't know how to use and snaps what I'm certain was a mediocre photo of me to show him. 

A couple weeks go by and I get this facebook friend request from the guy so I accept him. I immediately stalk him an appropriate amount: enough to get a sense of who he is (what I'm saying here is does the guy have a million profile pictures with his arm around a woman, you know that's the first thing you look for) and he seemed normal. I figured him friending me was the equivalent of asking for my phone number and so when I accepted the request, that was me saying, here you go call me sometime. 

Apparently not. I waited like three days and heard nothing so I figured, ok fine I'll like his profile picture or something to get the ball rolling. Only when I searched for him he showed up NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE. That guy unfriended me within three days without saying a word. 

New record. 

In a Relationship? Or is it Complicated?

I overheard someone saying that a sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on facebook. This has been bothering me, for a couple reasons. (Yes, I know I went off on keeping your romantic shit off my newsfeed--I stand by that. But NO sign of it? I take issue with that, too. No, you just can't win.)

My first question for anyone keeping their relationship totally off facebook is why? What's your reasoning for keeping his par of your life invisible? Because I'm not gonna lie--that seems shady. My gut reaction would be to assume you're ashamed of being with them.

Now, if both of you mutually and honestly decide to keep your relationship social media-free, then cool. I guess. Still seems weird. Like if you're going to use social media and create lists of your favorite movies and choose a profile picture...why are you actively leaving this part off? (Unless you work together or something else that would necessitate some secrecy because you're not ALLOWED to be together. As long as you're both available consenting adults I'm fine with that.)

But that's all a personal choice, yeah? You do you But if you're maintaining a facebook page and leaving off your relationship status, we need to talk about my second concern.

Everyone else.

I'm talking about creeping on your page. I'm talking about meeting a handsome man and trolling his page to learn about him. (If he's available.) The Facebook Stalk, guys. It's one of my big moves. People look for a relationship status! It's the internet wedding ring, the first thing we look for. We look at that and we scroll recent profile pictures for any reoccurring person who may or may not be your significant other. And if your page has NO mention of a relationship, then we will probably assume that's a green light for our incoming flirting efforts.

Then we learn that you ARE in a relationship. Here come the questions. Why isn't that mentioned? I checked the profile! Why the secrecy? Does this significant other actually exist? Or are we talking about one of those "she lives in Canada, you wouldn't know her, we met this summer" kind of people, which we all know means she doesn't exist. Does this guy not care that he's dating someone? Is this his way of potentially cheating? Wait, does that mean I'm not worth cheating with? Stop that, I would never be the other woman. But still, this guy doesn't know that! What the f-- wait seriously why wouldn't you just click the "in a relationship" box?? I can't be alone in this thought process.

You're just making it difficult for everyone else by hiding your relationship from social media. And that kind of behavior gets you blogged about around here.

Seriously please stop the public "I love you"s.

Facebook is making me lose my mind again--this time over people who choose to make every single moment of their relationships public. I get that I like things more private that other people--my ex and I were listed on facebook as being in a relationship, but only after like five months. And even then, his relationship status was private to everyone except him. (No, I don't think we need to talk about that why do you ask??) With the exception of the random men I make out with in corners of bars occasionally, I'm not into public displays of affection. Hand holding is about as intimate as I get with boyfriends in public. 

Some people are fine announcing that they're dating and keeping you updated on twitter when their anniversary passes and instagramming every single date night. But there's a line. I can't understand the need to publicly declare your love on their facebook wall regularly. Did you get flowers at work? Fine, I see that you want to show everyone and you tag him and tell him you love him in the status. I mean, that's gross and you're bragging, but I suppose it's understandable. Is your relationship brand new and you just really want to tell everyone how excited you are? Sure, annoy all your friends and post a status update. A little update on your wedding day because you're overwhelmingly sappy and you want everyone to know how happy you are? Fine, this is permitted. But when you've been together for years and you're married and you're still posting "I love you!" on their facebook wall a couple times a month...I mean, I'm judging you. 

First of all, because it's giving me a glimpse into the private part of your relationship and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I should look away because that kind of stuff should be happening out of public view. Second of all...it's making me wonder how many times you're messaging each other privately and I'm also kind of judging you for that. Chill out. You love each other, cool. And on top of all that, as a friend pointed out, it makes you look territorial. Like, it's not enough that you're in a bunch of pictures and you're listed as together or married or whatever, but you also have to piss all over their wall, just so eeeeeeveryone knows you're in a relationship. 

I'm feeling suffocated just THINKING about that--and yeah I know I'm more commitment phobic than a lot of you but STILL. 

CALM DOWN, COUPLES. You're in love, we get it. Do what everyone else does and just text that shit. 

Several months ago, I hung out with a friend and her boyfriend. I'd met him in the past but never really spent any time with him. It was nice to get to know him but it was also awesome to see him as her boyfriend. My friend is gorgeous and outgoing and she's the kind of woman men approach all the time. And it doesn't bother her boyfriend. He didn't care that men were trying to dance with her, because A. she handled that just fine on her own and B. he clearly wasn't worried about losing her to some random on the dance floor. The only times he got boyfriend-y were two separate occasions where drunk guys were clearly not going to leave us alone, despite her serious lack of interest. He just came up next to her and stood there, tall and boyfriend-y with his arm around her, joining the conversation. At no point did he resemble a caveman or give the impression that she needed him to protect her. He was just her backup. AND IT WAS AWESOME. 

I'm just saying that I'm uncomfortable enough with my own emotions** that listening in on yours is way too awkward. So if you need to send an I love you every day just so your partner gets it, then go for it--but there are like forty thousand private texting/chatting apps you can download and we would all appreciate if you did. 

**Of which I have none, having repressed any that might come to the surface. 

Judging You: Reality vs. Fiction

So here's the thing about people: I generally like them. I KNOW, LET ME EXPLAIN. I'm talking about people I've gotten to know. I generally like them. Like I don't want anything bad to happen to them and I don't mind talking to them at a meeting or a party. I don't have a long list of enemies.

Strangers are a whole different issue--lots of strangers annoy me. I don't want to listen to your phone conversation, I don't want to see you kissing your girlfriend, I want you to take your screaming baby home instead of browsing the shoe department at Target. I want you to walk faster in the airport terminal and I would love it if you stopped being rude to the barista at Starbucks. Strangers get on my nerves. Often.

But people I know? I mostly like them. There are people I try to avoid because I don't enjoy my time with them, of course. The people you say hi to in public but you don't invite to join you unless someone else mentions it first. However, the number of people I truly loathe is pretty small. Easily less than a dozen over the course of my nearly three decades. These are people I hide from in public. People who make me genuinely angry. The thing I've noticed about these people is that it's usually mutual hatred. They don't want to be around me any more than I want to be around them. We'll both look away and act like we haven't seen the other. When forced we'll make small talk centering around the weather. I'll try very, very hard to control my face because I've no poker face whatsoever. (I was physically yanked away from one of those unfortunate dozen once, in a pub. Apparently I was being "really rude and making faces." Allegedly. Well maybe if she hadn't been such an idiot and told consistently terrible stories, I wouldn't have been making any faces...allegedly.) 

Confession: most of those people that I can't stand? We've either been facebook friends at some point** or I've creeped on their social media. I've checked out everything short of their LinkedIn profiles, because LinkedIn is a NARC and tells people who looked at their profile and it's too easy to forget you're logged in when you're google stalking someone. So yeah, I've kept tabs on those people. It's tempting to take a peek from time to time and find out if you're still dating that girl who isn't as pretty as my friend that you dumped. On a bad day, yeah maybe I will judge the bridesmaid dresses you chose for your wedding. Sure, I've made a mental note of the grammar in your status updates. Oh please, like you've never done that.

It's a morbid curiosity. I have to know. 

Let's table that topic for a second. I have a point, I promise.

Lately I've read several books that I really enjoyed despite not liking a single character. The characters are well written and interesting, but I can't stand them. I wouldn't want to hang out with any of them. (The books in question are Gone Girl and Dark Places by Gillian Flynn and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen--I recommend all three.) I'm still reading Freedom because I had to take a break from the characters for a few weeks. Every new situation has me asking them what they're thinking. I put it down and read a couple other books before I felt I could deal with Franzen's creations again. But it's so good! 

So tell me: why is it ok for me to hate them and still read about their lives, while I'm considered childish for reading about the lives of real people I can't stand?*** It feeds the same morbid curiosity, right? I mean, the books are far more compelling than a boring instagram feed. I get it, the guy at your coffee shop knows how to make pictures in your latte. Every single day. Great. But we're allowed to question a character's choices. Sure, I question the judgment of Flynn's main character and I'm engaging with the text and developing critical thinking skills. But I question the choices of a former nemesis and it's rude and judgmental and petty. WHY? Which is it, world?? Make up your mind!  

Anyone else? No? Let me know.





**It should be noted that I did some spring cleaning about a year ago and removed people I can't stand from various profiles. It felt pretty good and I've been much less tempted. You proud? 

***For the record, I'm talking about observing. I'm not talking about commenting or sharing or any other troll-like behavior. Just reading and commenting internally and keeping it all to myself unless I have to call my BFF about it, but that doesn't go any further. If you're doing shit like reading your ex's facebook and commenting on it about hating her new boyfriend, you need a different hobby.

Stranger Danger

I hate when strangers adopt a false sense of familiarity with me. I can't stand when telemarketers answer your hello with a friendly "Hey Amanda!" so I don't hang up right away, struggling to match that voice with someone I actually know.I don't want a waitress to scoot into the booth while I order just to be the cool staff who chats with my group. I don't want people to knock on my door with the secret friend or whatever knock when they're showing up to proselytize. 

I'm not offended by strangers introducing themselves to me. 

In fact, I introduce myself to strangers pretty regularly. It's one thing to turn around at the bar and ask the guys at the table behind you if they chose the music on the jukebox. It's fine to find someone on social media and comment on their blog, tweets, whatever. It starts a getting to know you process. 

Sometimes that process goes quickly. You can bond with other women in the ladies room in no time if you're both drunk and putting on lip gloss. You can make fast friends when someone else jumps onto the dance floor at the same time you do. You feel pretty close to people after spending a few hours next to them on an airplane. But you have to go through SOME kind of process. You find common ground, even if that's just "we shared an armrest for 4 hours and also helped each other with that crossword puzzle in the in-flight magazine."

But you can't jump into familiarity. When you approach me and address me casually and use some ridiculous pet name, like we go way back, we have a problem. I received a message on facebook, from someone I do not know, with no mutual friends. His message starts with, "Hello my dear." I'm not your dear. I'm not your anything. (And if you're wondering if a 50-something man tried to hit on me, you're correct.) Delete.

This week I received both a friend request and a message from another random--we have literally nothing in common to suggest how he found me. "You're really pretty. Don't be shy. Can we be friends?" NOPE. Also I don't plan on being shy, I plan on ignoring you. I don't know you. 

You have to let me learn enough that I want to be your friend! Will we have stuff to talk about? What kind of stuff would we do together? Will you send me entertaining snapchats? Can I repeatedly send you links to things I found on youtube? These are things I think about when considering a new friendship. 

It's one thing to introduce yourself to a strange. It's another to act like the introduction is your favorite inside joke and demand their time and attention. Strangers don't owe you anything, so don't be a creep. Not to mention, Random Facebook Guy, I don't know that I want to be friends with Regina "you're really pretty" George. That just makes me think you're going to talk behind my back after I thank you. 

More Questions for Couples...

Hey couples, I have another question for you. If you're not too busy making out with each other and sharing headphones in public, acting like that doesn't bother anybody. 

Facebook has options for you. You have the choice to link to each other's pages, telling the world who you're dating. (Or married to, or involved in some undefined situation with, or whatever. Options!) And you can choose to make that super public if you want. (Unless you're my ex, in which case it'll be hidden from the world. Options.) But you can announce it! LOOK EVERYBODY AT THIS PERSON I GET TO BANG. (Or not bang, because sometimes people wait or opt out of that. OPTIONS.) 

With all these choices afforded to you by social media, why oh why oh why are some of you creating joint facebook pages? 

You heard me. Joint facebook accounts. Like a joint checking account, but for your birthday greetings. This is apparently not an isolated incident that I've witnessed, but rather a fairly common occurrence. Bitter Amanda and Ryan Gosling start dating and then after things get serious, Bitter Amanda and Ryan Gosling delete their facebook pages and create the brand new RyanandBitter Gosling facebook page. Because they're so connected that they can't deal with a separate identity on the internet anymore. WE'RE A COUPLE. Birthdays? Nope, we have an anniversary now. We'll sign our initials by posts that come from one of us, but let's be honest--we agree on everything now so it doesn't matter. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? If Ryan Gosling thinks I'm deleting my facebook for him, he is dead wrong. I have different interests and favorites, Ryan. You'll have to deal with that. 

Types of People I've Blocked on Facebook

I shared a link on my facebook page last week, about annoying facebook engagement posts. You and I were definitely on the same page--we're sick of hearing about it. The Beyonce jokes, song lyrics dedicated to your best friend, the loooooooooong posts about how he proposed. We hate it. 

And while I absolutely agree, I think it's fair to point out the OTHER facebook posts I hate. Engaged friends, it's not just you! So here are a couple types of status updates that make me reevaluate our friendship--at least on social media. 

The New Mommy
Congratulations. Really. I mean it--well done on the kid. I definitely think you should post about your baby from time to time. I want to know when they're born. Your toddler swore? TELL ME EVERYTHING. Yes, I want to see the Halloween costume. (I was literally texting people looking for those pictures this year. Yeah, it's weird.) 
But let's not lose our heads, ok? Does EVERY update you post have to tell me in excruciating detail what your infant did all day? Can't you just email that crap to the grandparents? (They're not even doing that much yet!)
On top of that, you're serving as an ambassador to the childless--and you're totally dropping the ball. Every post about exploding diapers and crying all night long makes me contemplate looking up a reasonably priced chastity belt on amazon.com. You're killing us here. 

Jesus Take the Wheel
I knew a woman who would post at least once a day thanking Jesus for some material thing in her life. I shit you not, one day she thanked Jesus for sending a granola bar to her desk in the middle of the morning when she super needed a snack. This is the most boring post in the world, and including Jesus doesn't make it any less boring. Step up your game. That's not going to get any likes!
(Guys, I don't hate Jesus. Just boring posts.)

The Vegan
I'm happy you found a lifestyle that you're happy about. BUT I CAN'T READ ANY MORE POSTS ABOUT BEING A VEGAN. Particularly when half the time you complain about missing mozzarella sticks and the other half you're casually and self-righteously calling me a murderer. (Excuse me, but at most I'm an accessory to the crime.) We all make choices, and you chose a mozzarella stick-free lifestyle. I'm sure there's some quinoa substitute on pinterest--and I'm sure you'll post it later and add that you "couldn't even tell the difference!!!" Sure. Whatever works for you. 

The Newlywed
It's interesting how you've taken up the challenge of finding a way to include "my hubby" into every single status update. I get it--you got married. You love your spouse. You're blissful in your newlywed bubble. Shut up now please.

The Ultrasound
Gross. Just gross. 

Another letter to facebook...

Dear Facebook,

We meet again. Why is it always you? Why is it that whenever there's a social media problem, you're at the root of it? 

I have a request. This isn't like that time I complained about your new format. (ALL THOSE TIMES.) This is a legit concern. And I think I speak for a lot of us with this one. 

Our exes are on facebook. It's unavoidable. (Actually, a lot of my exes gave up facebook--my internet presence is so powerful, it would seem, that they gave it up altogether. Yes, you may bow and kiss my ring.) But COLLECTIVELY, our exes are on facebook. And sometimes we like to check up on them. Even if they unfriended us. On our birthday. (...hypothetically.) 

Sometimes you just have to know. So you hop on over to their page and click around. Hm, new girlfriend? I guess she's cute, if you like that conventional girl next door type. You changed your hair. It's long, like I always hated. Still posting gratuitous pictures of cars you'll never own, I see. Your dog is still adorable. Can I have--nope, that's weird. 

We can't help it. Clicking on that profile, that portal to their world...we just want to creep around like the ghost of relationships past. Just to see if they rearranged any furniture, so to speak. Most of us are guilty of this in some way or another. 

But it's dangerous, you see. The longer you click around over there, the more you're tempting fate. If you go through a dozen profile pictures, two new albums, and the last two months of timeline...you're going to click like. And you are going to regret it. You stare at the screen for a second in disbelief. You hover over "unlike" trying to debate the merits of undoing your mistake. Did the notification already go through? Have I caught it in time? Is there a facebook equivalent of the 5 second rule? If I unlike it, won't that show that I didn't mean to do it, and therefore catch me in my own web of stalking? Should I own it? Yes, I liked your status update! Thumbs up! 

Those 15 seconds of turmoil are enough to make you swear off this habit, like a college student nursing a hangover. 

So, facebook, isn't it time you helped us out? I'm not asking for much--just a little seatbelt for my tours through my romantic past. A way to help me keep my hands and arms inside the tram. Like a creeper setting. Just browsing--disable anything but browsing. Or a little confirmation message. "You've listed this person as your ex. Are you sure you want to like their cover photo?" Think about it. 

Hook us up. We're begging you. Your move, facebook. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

An Open Letter to Facebook

Dear Facebook,

I am mad at you. You have been, by far, the most annoying part of my breakup. When I changed my relationship status from single to the coveted “In a Relationship” you made a huge deal about it! Large font, big stupid heart next to it. It showed up on every newsfeed around, so they could like it and tell me how happy they were. You announced it to everyone! My sort-of-new relationship was on display for the world. Or at least, the part of the world I allow access to my profile.

But that's where you stop being involved, huh? You're only in it for the praise. None of this "for better or worse" between us, I see. You're happy to throw confetti in the air when I finally announce publicly that I'm dating someone. 

But then, when things get ugly? I have to change myself back to single and where are you? Nowhere. I'm on my own with this announcement, in more ways than one. All those people who clicked like...I have to tell them myself. You can't even find our mutual friends and send them a heads up? Nope. Apparently that's beyond your skill set. Identifying everyone in my pictures? Sure, you can handle that. Creeping my internet history so the ads on my newsfeed hit my interests? Yeah, you can do that. You're basically a stalker I signed up for, facebook. But freaking telling people I'm single again is too hard? Give me a break.

Instead, it falls on me. I'm single again (my natural state) so I'm on my own with this mission. Now every time I catch up with someone I get to have that fun exchange where they ask how my boy is doing and I get to say, "Fine, maybe? I wouldn't know, we haven't spoken in months." 

This is a flawed system. And you're on my shit list, facebook. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Purging My Facebook

I have a hard time deleting people from my life.

I have no problem cutting things off with a guy (which should not surprise you after all we've been through), giving the cold shoulder to someone's ex, or ignoring people in public when I don't care about how many times your baby pooped today. But when it comes to getting rid of their digital presence in my life, it's harder. 

I can tell you my reasons, of course. I keep phone numbers in my phone for a long time because I want to know who is calling--an ex pocket dialed me the other day, which I figured out when he hung up after two rings. (Unless he really does want me back and is just nervous...hmm...) If I had deleted his number, I would have considered calling him back after seeing my area code. Awkwardness avoided! 

I keep some exes (mine, Twin's, that sort of thing...) around on facebook so I can creep on them and feel superior. I can tell someone her ex has gained a lot of weight or is dating someone far less pretty. I keep these cards in my pocket for moments of low self-esteem or boredom. (I know, that's rude. Whatever.)

I think all the rest of my excuses are pretty lame, though--because basically I just want the option of seeing what you're doing with your life. Maybe I want to make fun of your ugly bridesmaids dresses or call a real friend and marvel that you're pregnant again. (OK, I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON, I GET IT.)

But you guys...I must be going through some maturity growth spurt or something because I just cleaned up my facebook a little. I was checking the privacy settings on a status update I was about to make, when I realized how dumb it is that I have people on my "friend" list who pretty much don't see anything of mine, ever. WHICH IS REALLY DUMB and also they are not people I would call friends, to their face or anyone else's. 

So I clicked on that unfriend button. Someone's asshole ex? Gone. Woman I HATED in college? Bye. JYA bitch? You're out. Annoying girl I worked with a million years ago? Unfriend. 

It felt awesome. Why was I keeping those people in my life? Growing up is easy. 


We won't talk about how after that I shamelessly facebook stalked not only a guy from my past but also a guy I met recently. Not at all. We're going to focus on the first part of this blog. PERSONAL GROWTH.