Seriously please stop the public "I love you"s.

Facebook is making me lose my mind again--this time over people who choose to make every single moment of their relationships public. I get that I like things more private that other people--my ex and I were listed on facebook as being in a relationship, but only after like five months. And even then, his relationship status was private to everyone except him. (No, I don't think we need to talk about that why do you ask??) With the exception of the random men I make out with in corners of bars occasionally, I'm not into public displays of affection. Hand holding is about as intimate as I get with boyfriends in public. 

Some people are fine announcing that they're dating and keeping you updated on twitter when their anniversary passes and instagramming every single date night. But there's a line. I can't understand the need to publicly declare your love on their facebook wall regularly. Did you get flowers at work? Fine, I see that you want to show everyone and you tag him and tell him you love him in the status. I mean, that's gross and you're bragging, but I suppose it's understandable. Is your relationship brand new and you just really want to tell everyone how excited you are? Sure, annoy all your friends and post a status update. A little update on your wedding day because you're overwhelmingly sappy and you want everyone to know how happy you are? Fine, this is permitted. But when you've been together for years and you're married and you're still posting "I love you!" on their facebook wall a couple times a month...I mean, I'm judging you. 

First of all, because it's giving me a glimpse into the private part of your relationship and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I should look away because that kind of stuff should be happening out of public view. Second of all...it's making me wonder how many times you're messaging each other privately and I'm also kind of judging you for that. Chill out. You love each other, cool. And on top of all that, as a friend pointed out, it makes you look territorial. Like, it's not enough that you're in a bunch of pictures and you're listed as together or married or whatever, but you also have to piss all over their wall, just so eeeeeeveryone knows you're in a relationship. 

I'm feeling suffocated just THINKING about that--and yeah I know I'm more commitment phobic than a lot of you but STILL. 

CALM DOWN, COUPLES. You're in love, we get it. Do what everyone else does and just text that shit. 

Several months ago, I hung out with a friend and her boyfriend. I'd met him in the past but never really spent any time with him. It was nice to get to know him but it was also awesome to see him as her boyfriend. My friend is gorgeous and outgoing and she's the kind of woman men approach all the time. And it doesn't bother her boyfriend. He didn't care that men were trying to dance with her, because A. she handled that just fine on her own and B. he clearly wasn't worried about losing her to some random on the dance floor. The only times he got boyfriend-y were two separate occasions where drunk guys were clearly not going to leave us alone, despite her serious lack of interest. He just came up next to her and stood there, tall and boyfriend-y with his arm around her, joining the conversation. At no point did he resemble a caveman or give the impression that she needed him to protect her. He was just her backup. AND IT WAS AWESOME. 

I'm just saying that I'm uncomfortable enough with my own emotions** that listening in on yours is way too awkward. So if you need to send an I love you every day just so your partner gets it, then go for it--but there are like forty thousand private texting/chatting apps you can download and we would all appreciate if you did. 

**Of which I have none, having repressed any that might come to the surface.