Monday, November 11, 2013

Types of People I've Blocked on Facebook

I shared a link on my facebook page last week, about annoying facebook engagement posts. You and I were definitely on the same page--we're sick of hearing about it. The Beyonce jokes, song lyrics dedicated to your best friend, the loooooooooong posts about how he proposed. We hate it. 

And while I absolutely agree, I think it's fair to point out the OTHER facebook posts I hate. Engaged friends, it's not just you! So here are a couple types of status updates that make me reevaluate our friendship--at least on social media. 

The New Mommy
Congratulations. Really. I mean it--well done on the kid. I definitely think you should post about your baby from time to time. I want to know when they're born. Your toddler swore? TELL ME EVERYTHING. Yes, I want to see the Halloween costume. (I was literally texting people looking for those pictures this year. Yeah, it's weird.) 
But let's not lose our heads, ok? Does EVERY update you post have to tell me in excruciating detail what your infant did all day? Can't you just email that crap to the grandparents? (They're not even doing that much yet!)
On top of that, you're serving as an ambassador to the childless--and you're totally dropping the ball. Every post about exploding diapers and crying all night long makes me contemplate looking up a reasonably priced chastity belt on amazon.com. You're killing us here. 

Jesus Take the Wheel
I knew a woman who would post at least once a day thanking Jesus for some material thing in her life. I shit you not, one day she thanked Jesus for sending a granola bar to her desk in the middle of the morning when she super needed a snack. This is the most boring post in the world, and including Jesus doesn't make it any less boring. Step up your game. That's not going to get any likes!
(Guys, I don't hate Jesus. Just boring posts.)

The Vegan
I'm happy you found a lifestyle that you're happy about. BUT I CAN'T READ ANY MORE POSTS ABOUT BEING A VEGAN. Particularly when half the time you complain about missing mozzarella sticks and the other half you're casually and self-righteously calling me a murderer. (Excuse me, but at most I'm an accessory to the crime.) We all make choices, and you chose a mozzarella stick-free lifestyle. I'm sure there's some quinoa substitute on pinterest--and I'm sure you'll post it later and add that you "couldn't even tell the difference!!!" Sure. Whatever works for you. 

The Newlywed
It's interesting how you've taken up the challenge of finding a way to include "my hubby" into every single status update. I get it--you got married. You love your spouse. You're blissful in your newlywed bubble. Shut up now please.

The Ultrasound
Gross. Just gross. 


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