Monday, May 06, 2013

Attn: Pregnant Women and New Mothers


That was harsh. Congratulations on bringing life into the world, what a beautiful miracle, etc. 

But seriously. You are grossing everybody out. I'm telling you this because I care. 

You have to stop. You have to pull back with the crazy pregnancy-related antics. I'm not talking about weird cravings or all the things your hormones are doing. Rock and roll. Mood swing it up. I'm talking about the other stuff. 

First of all, you have to stop putting pictures of your insides on facebook. I mean really. Ultrasound photos are, I'm told, a very magical part of the pregnancy process. That's your kid! I'm down. When a favorite cousin was pregnant, you bet I wanted to see that kid. Good friends bring the picture when we meet for coffee? Sure. Your family should see that. But your dentist and the people from the office you worked in three years ago and your summer camp counselor? Less than thrilled. Keep that shit off facebook. Your child will appreciate it, one day. 
While we're on the subject of social media and parenting, it's not necessary for you to let me know how many times your child pooped or threw up today. Let's keep this clean, ok? Cute pictures are fine, the dirty details are not necessary. 

You also have to stop sharing the gory details of the birthing process. There are some people who are dying to hear how many hours it took for you to squeeze another human being out of you. They want to hear all about what the doctor said. I don't know why, but they do. But that is not true of everyone in a room! Consider three things when you're about to share a delivery story: 1. Is this an appropriate story for the situation? If bodily fluids are involved, maybe lunch is not the best time. 2. Is my audience full of any childless women? Perhaps they will be emotionally scarred by what you're about to say. Ask some of my coworkers. They forced one story to stop when I was allegedly losing all color in my face. 3. Did anyone ask to hear this? If you're just sharing because there's a lull in conversation, rethink your plan. All of this is doubled if you decide on a water birth, which actually makes me feel ill. Private Practice had that on one episode and I'm still upset it didn't have a warning. 

And finally, you have absolutely, 100%, without a doubt got to stop doing weird ass things with your breast milk and placenta. I mean it. This is not acceptable. Good for you, being one with Mother Earth and all that crunchy bullshit, but I do not want to hear about it. Breast milk ice cream, recipes for what to do with your placenta, breast milk's too much! You have to stop. If you're going to do that, do it in the privacy of your home and never, I repeat never tell me about it. 

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! 

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