I just had a rather enlightening conversation with Red Curl Girl, who always makes me laugh. I realized that I worry too much about anonymity for those who star in my stories...and really don't deserve anonymity at all. So here. I was holding out on you.
Back in early December, I ran into an acquaintance at a holiday party. During the course of our conversation, she ended up asking if I was seeing anyone. (My favorite thing to discuss, as you may know. I did not growl at her or make any unseemly faces; I was on my best behavior.) She mentioned that her son was also single! She happened to have his picture in her purse! (A happy coincidence.) I was given the pertinent details--not as tall as I might prefer in a perfect world, but 30 years old with a job and a house. These factors seemed to suggest a man who has his shit together--and that's what we should all strive for, ladies. (And gentlemen, too!) It was only a matter of time before this sort of activity attracted the other women in the room--and I soon found myself surrounded by cackling hens with matchmaking in their eyes. (Once again proving to me that women in relationships want everyone else around them to pair up.)
The room seemed to get stuffier as his photo was passed around. My eyes darted around, searching for an exit before things got too awkward.
And then, they did.
This woman pulled out her cell phone. She told me to smile, pointing it at me. I realized what her plan was; a proverbial lightbulb going off over my head. Things moved in slow motion and I was incapable of stopping them. I wished for a power outage or fire alarm. No such luck. The third picture of me was deemed acceptable, and she was gone before I could argue. I tried to be all "glass half full" about it. By my figuring, he'd say one of two things. Either, "Oh, no, Mom. Not so much. Delete that picture ASAP." Or, "Where has this divine creature been all my life? I can't believe you know such a lady and haven't mentioned it to me yet!"** and he'd buy me dinner. Can't really complain about either one, since I don't know the guy. Nothing to lose and all that garbage.
I should mention that this acquaintance is more acquainted with my mother. Because of this, I was not surprised when my mom got an email. "B is willing to meet Amanda." She suggested the Mom Plan of one mother giving the other mother her child's phone number.
I...was not thrilled. He was willing to meet me? I mean, don't do me any favors or anything. Given his lackadaisical attitude and it being late December, I set the email aside. (Does anything sound more sad than a Christmastime blind date? ...Yeah, I didn't think so.)
In early January, I received a facebook friend request from this young man. This worked much better for me, as I could stalk him before committing to a phone call. (I had actually checked facebook for him almost immediately after this ordeal started, but he has a rather common name and my search yielded no helpful results.) Continuing to feign "glass half full," I accepted. And after reading his information and checking out all his pictures, I waited. Admittedly, I wasn't planning on initiating contact. I know that's not very 21st century "We wear pants now, too!" of me, but I don't care. The ball was in his court.
I waited. And waited. And although my interest in this fellow was not high to start with, it was waning. Quickly. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt! (This...was a mistake.) Until my mother called me in the middle of January. She'd received another email. "Is Amanda still interested in meeting B? He asked."
No seriously. In case you lost track, this man asked his mother to ask my mother if I was interested in meeting. I guess maybe he was nervous about asking me to the 8th grade dance? "I kind of know what you're going to say, but how should I handle this?" was my mother's question.
"Tell her he's welcome to contact me on facebook!" I said, exasperated. "After he's located his testicles!"
"...I'll leave out that last part," said my mother primly. "But that's what I figured."
I continued to wait. It was suggested that he might be shy. EVEN SO, facebook makes it So. Freaking. Easy. to make a passive move. You can click "like" on anything a person does. You can "poke" them. You don't even have to be clever, for heaven's sake! And yet, our wall-to-wall remained blank. I wrote him off. Clearly we are not meant to be. Note to self: set-ups are awkward.
You'd like that to be the end of this tale, no? Well, you would be wrong. I was in for another surprise. A friend asked last week if I had heard anything from him. While I was on the phone, I absentmindedly went to check his facebook--I'm a perennial stalker, guys. I can't help it. AND HE WAS GONE. He unfriended me. He not only didn't want to say anything to me, but he didn't want to say anything so badly that he couldn't bear for me to pop up on his news feed.
That is cold.
**And by this I clearly mean, "Well, I don't have any other plans. She seems tolerable." Guys, it was a camera phone. And she had to have someone help her. How good could that picture have been?