Seriously please stop the public "I love you"s.

Facebook is making me lose my mind again--this time over people who choose to make every single moment of their relationships public. I get that I like things more private that other people--my ex and I were listed on facebook as being in a relationship, but only after like five months. And even then, his relationship status was private to everyone except him. (No, I don't think we need to talk about that why do you ask??) With the exception of the random men I make out with in corners of bars occasionally, I'm not into public displays of affection. Hand holding is about as intimate as I get with boyfriends in public. 

Some people are fine announcing that they're dating and keeping you updated on twitter when their anniversary passes and instagramming every single date night. But there's a line. I can't understand the need to publicly declare your love on their facebook wall regularly. Did you get flowers at work? Fine, I see that you want to show everyone and you tag him and tell him you love him in the status. I mean, that's gross and you're bragging, but I suppose it's understandable. Is your relationship brand new and you just really want to tell everyone how excited you are? Sure, annoy all your friends and post a status update. A little update on your wedding day because you're overwhelmingly sappy and you want everyone to know how happy you are? Fine, this is permitted. But when you've been together for years and you're married and you're still posting "I love you!" on their facebook wall a couple times a month...I mean, I'm judging you. 

First of all, because it's giving me a glimpse into the private part of your relationship and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I should look away because that kind of stuff should be happening out of public view. Second of all...it's making me wonder how many times you're messaging each other privately and I'm also kind of judging you for that. Chill out. You love each other, cool. And on top of all that, as a friend pointed out, it makes you look territorial. Like, it's not enough that you're in a bunch of pictures and you're listed as together or married or whatever, but you also have to piss all over their wall, just so eeeeeeveryone knows you're in a relationship. 

I'm feeling suffocated just THINKING about that--and yeah I know I'm more commitment phobic than a lot of you but STILL. 

CALM DOWN, COUPLES. You're in love, we get it. Do what everyone else does and just text that shit. 

Several months ago, I hung out with a friend and her boyfriend. I'd met him in the past but never really spent any time with him. It was nice to get to know him but it was also awesome to see him as her boyfriend. My friend is gorgeous and outgoing and she's the kind of woman men approach all the time. And it doesn't bother her boyfriend. He didn't care that men were trying to dance with her, because A. she handled that just fine on her own and B. he clearly wasn't worried about losing her to some random on the dance floor. The only times he got boyfriend-y were two separate occasions where drunk guys were clearly not going to leave us alone, despite her serious lack of interest. He just came up next to her and stood there, tall and boyfriend-y with his arm around her, joining the conversation. At no point did he resemble a caveman or give the impression that she needed him to protect her. He was just her backup. AND IT WAS AWESOME. 

I'm just saying that I'm uncomfortable enough with my own emotions** that listening in on yours is way too awkward. So if you need to send an I love you every day just so your partner gets it, then go for it--but there are like forty thousand private texting/chatting apps you can download and we would all appreciate if you did. 

**Of which I have none, having repressed any that might come to the surface. 

Relationship Timelines

I should probably just change the name of my blog to "I'm not good at talking about my feelings" considering how often I start posts that way. 

During college, my friends decided that any man in my life would have to deal with a different set of milestones--instead of I love you, they would have to learn the equivalent You're the only boy I frame pictures of. (They still ask about my love life in those terms. "Do you think you might want to frame his picture one day?") That's my milestone. For me, that is a very significant step and is not to be undertaken lightly. As in...I don't. 

A conversation with a friend got me thinking about how different milestones are for everyone. There's no set timeline for relationships. With online dating, you don't even have to meet someone to start a relationship. So you decide what marks progress. Some milestones are obvious and fairly universal. Most couples have some anniversary--whether it's when they first went out or the date they decided they were officially in a relationship, or the closest date they can figure out because whoops we didn't write it down or anything.. After that first big milestone of agreeing on an anniversary, though, there doesn't seem to be much we agree on. 

Maybe she thinks it's a huge deal that you met her parents because she never introduces them to her dates. Maybe him spending the night is a milestone because to him that makes it serious. Maybe a milestone was the day your friends met him and told you how great he is. Maybe it's strictly a certain length of time. And maybe all those things slid by your partner without a second glance...because the weight we put on different aspects of a relationship changes for everyone. It's funny how that works, that something you look forward to and wait for can be just another day for the person you're dating. 

I remember being sort of irritated in those situations, when boyfriends didn't mention or notice things that I considered pretty significant for our relationship. This has taken me a really long time to figure out...an embarrassingly long time, one might say...but in retrospect those things probably didn't matter to my boyfriends. (At least I figured it out eventually, right?) I probably missed some things that those guys cared about. And once I figured that out, I came to the conclusion that I could have avoided several dramatic journal entries and rants to my girls if I'd, you know, talked to my boyfriend about that crap. (Yeah, I don't really see that happening in the future either. You'll probably read about it here.) 

So you talk about it. That's the advice I would give, and have given on multiple occasions. You talk about it and when your boyfriend says meeting his parents is a big deal to him, you take it seriously because you're gross about your boyfriend. You hope they like you because he cares that they like you. 

And if you tell them getting along with your friends is a big deal to you and they don't care? Well...I guess you'll write to me and I'll tell you something you don't want to hear. 

I don't have any conclusions to this...I'm still considering the importance of milestones and marking progress. What do you think? 

Early Morning Baby Panic

(Note: There's some language used here, which I feel like I should warn you about in case you're at work or whatever. Look at this maturity.)

Well, I started my morning trying to figure out if I was having an aneurysm, how about you? 

I woke up and checked my phone, glancing at twitter notifications and how I'm doing in Words with Friends. I looked at emails to see if anything interesting was going on...and that's when I started feeling what is more likely just straight up panic. 

NEW ARRIVAL? BUNDLE OF JOY? WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF A BABY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T, SHUTTERFLY? 

As you can tell, I'm not quite over the shock. I'm still feeling very what the fuck about the whole thing. Because really...what the fuck. (Edit: Wait, can I say that around here? Have we had this conversation before? I'll warn you up above in case your boss wouldn't appreciate you dicking around at work.) 

Now, I like Shutterfly**. It's fun to print some pictures and have them rather than relying entirely on folders on my computer. And they send out some great deals in their emails. But WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. I mean...first of all, I do not in any way shape or form have a baby or expect one in the foreseeable future. There's no way around that. But second of all, even if we suspended reality for a second and imagined that I did (THERE'S THAT PANIC AGAIN) why on earth would I have alerted Shutterfly to this event? HOW would I tell them? Do they have some customer service line you can call if you're going through major life changes and want to share? It can't be trolling my history like facebook does, since I always browse baby gift registries using the incognito feature for this very reason. All my baby searching for my procreating friends is done in secret! So what's the deal, Shutterfly? Why are you sending a girl into early morning panic? Before coffee, even? (WHICH I CAN DRINK BECAUSE I AM NOT HAVING A BABY.) 

Did anyone else get this? Please tell me yes, or I'm calling my gynecologist just in case Shutterfly knows things and shit is getting biblical around here. 




**Shutterfly, in case you don't know, is a website for printing digital photos and creating photo cards and gifts. And, apparently, warnings of the apocalypse. 

(UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people got this...Shutterfly erroneously sent this mass email to a LOT of other not new parents. Oops...)

Confessing Your Feelings: A Primer

I don't like to talk about my feelings. 

I realize that isn't breaking news or anything, but in case you're new around here--I really don't like to talk about my feelings. I prefer to compartmentalize and repress and other healthy coping mechanisms.** I generally peace out of relationships before we have to have The Talk. You can ask any of the guys I've dated and they'll tell you I make inappropriate jokes when they try to talk about stuff and usually I follow it up with a charming "shut up" while rolling my eyes. 

(I KNOW, WHY AM I SINGLE, RIGHT?) 

However, I realize that some people don't mind talking about feelings. And I think that's fine. I get a lot of questions from readers who are interested in someone and want to know if they should tell them how they feel. And in most cases, I say go for it if it'll make you feel better. Sometimes you just have to put it out there and get an answer.

Times I don't think you should share your feelings: 
If you are underage and they are an adult. Like an adulty adult, not someone two years older than you or whatever. An ADULT. (And I don't care how mature you are for your age.)
If there is a power relationship involved--your professor or boss, for example.
If the other person is in a monogamous relationship.
If you're in a monogamous relationship with someone else.
If they've told you they're not interested. 
I'm sure there are others...I'll get back to you.

Anyway, sometimes you decide to tell someone you're gross about them. As long as you're not sitting next to me on an airplane while you do it. (TRAPPED.) The way I see it, it'll go one of three basic ways. 
1. They feel the same! Hooray! You can be gross together! 
2. They do not feel the same. They want things to remain as they are. But at least you have your answer and won't spend your life plagued by what if? Now you can move on.
3. They do not feel the same and are a dick about it. This person does not deserve any part of you. 

If you're like me and you can live with the what if? then hey, don't worry about it. The biggest thing I tell people who ask me about this is not to have any expectations. You might not get the answer you want. You can't force the other person to want what you want. If you'll be totally crushed if they don't want a relationship with you, then maybe you're not ready to tell them. That's something you have to decide. But there are times when you have to know. Also, if you're going to do this, time it well in case you want to escape. I wasn't kidding about the airplane thing--you really can't go anywhere. 

Before we break for the day, let's talk about the other side--what if you're on the receiving end of a Feelings Confession? No matter how you feel, I'd like to point out that it's a brave and scary thing to do. People deserve kindness--don't be a dick about it.

That gets you written up on a blog. *coughcough*EXBOYFRIEND*coughcough*



**Debatable. 

Wedding Pros and Cons

I was at a wedding this weekend. 

SURPRISE SURPRISE. Weddings and wedding related events are like 65% of my social calendar. (Baby events are starting to creep in as well.)

Stuff I Like About Weddings: 

• Dance party
• Live tweeting
• Jordan almonds
• Excuse to travel and/or see friends
• The happiness of my loved ones, I guess...?

Stuff I Dislike About Weddings:

• Bouquet toss
• Couples everywhere
• Love is patient love is kind
• Slow dancing
• "One day it'll be your turn!"
• Can we get all the couples on the dance floor?
• Wonderful Tonight is a seriously overrated song

So high five to the friends who've found really awesome people to share lives and bathrooms and holidays with. (No, I won't tell you if you're one of them. If you are, you probably already know it.) Your weddings are the fun ones, because I'm not sitting there wondering how you've been together for so long or what you talk about or whether you actually like each other. I don't hate all relationships--I hate mediocre relationships and unhealthy relationships. I hate when people settle. And all that is because I know good ones exist. I mean, they're clearly not easy to FIND and they're not for everybody, but they exist. 

On the other hand, apparently I'm playing Wedding Survivor with my college friends and I am determined to win. Last single standing? Not a problem.