Dude.

I have just figured out a way to solve one of our generation's biggest problems. No, not global warming or any of that. No...something much more pressing.

The Unclear Text Message.

You know what I mean. We've all gotten them. The text message that leaves you thinking the sender meant something more. There's the drunk variety. The late night messages from ex boyfriends. The flirting messages from someone you might be interested in. Hell, even the misspelled ones. All sorts. And they're annoying.

Not anymore! Not when I'm done with the mobile companies, anyway. All because of The Subtext. I want my mobile to send me a post-text text, telling me exactly what the sender meant. Can you imagine how great that would be?!?

A real-life example: me, to a friend: "Why did you have to move?? You suck."
Subtext: "Dude, I totally miss you."

The best part about all this? It will put to rest one of my ever-present pet peeves. It's been a pain in the ass ever since the first man typed SEMI-COLON, END PARENTHESIS in an email to a girl.

The Winky Face. Ohhh, god, the winky face. How I loathe you, with your hidden meanings and yes, subtext. The most confusing of all text symbols or acronyms, the winky face has myriad connotations. It can be flirtatious. It can say, "I'm only kidding." It can convey a joke. Sometimes it can be a deliberate annoyance by a friend who shall remain nameless. (But you know who you are.) The winky face. (Though as much as I detest the winky face, I also secretly adore it. What would I do if I couldn't analyze a text message or e-mail? I reckon I'd faint from sheer boredom.)
But with The Subtext, the mystery would be cleared up! No more will you have to sit there in agony, wondering what he meant! Is he trying to be funny? Or is that a suggestive wink? What does it mean?? No, those days would be over.

If you work for a wireless carrier, you are morally obligated to take this to your higher-ups. I command you. (And implore you. Seriously.)