Last night I went out to celebrate the birthday of one of my MOST FAVE COUSINS EVER. I don't think I've ever been out with her and not witnessed all the crazy this city has to offer. Well, we were not disappointed.
Jillian, the drunkest bachelorette that bar has seen in a long time, sat down at our table all decked out in her veil and "LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM" shot glass necklace and various other accessories. From her opening line, ("My fiancé has the biggest penis!!") I knew we were in for some entertainment. After telling us a little bit about her betrothed (ok, just his genitalia) she set us down for a lecture.
On the perils of butt sex.
For maybe 10 minutes, I assured Jillian that I would just say no, and pass that along to any current or future boyfriends. But our time was limited, as she had more drinks to consume and more people to educate. It was for the greater good, really.
And now, a letter.
Dear Friends of the Poorly Dressed Lady,
You are without a doubt the most awful friends--and I use that term very loosely here--one could have the misfortune to find. How do you sleep at night, knowing you let her leave the house (AND GO OUT IN PUBLIC!) looking like that?? Everything about her was just so unfortunate. And watching her, she had no idea! She thought she was hot stuff! Probably because as you all primped before leaving, you said to her, "You are so hot!" and she replied, "No, YOU are so hot!" and you agreed that you ALL looked SO HOT! I bet you were even there when she bought that ill-fitting white see-through top. You assured her that no, she didn't need to wear something under it! And ohmigod those jeans are just falling off of you! Get a size smaller--super tight jeans are SO IN right now.
And THAT HAIR. You did it, yeah? She was looking in the mirror, all, "I don't know, up or down tonight?" You just stepped up to the plate on that one, didn't you, princess? GREAT IDEA! We'll put half up in a little bun and gel the hell out of it, and then leave the other half down, except we'll curl it! AND ADD MORE GEL!
You honestly are the worst friends. You just loooooooove being the "pretty friend," don't you? Bitches.
And the worst part? Some poor guy who is playing the part of wingman is going to have to hit that. I hope you're happy now.
I love this city.