Christmas!

With the exception of that hateful holiday kissing plant, I love everything about Christmas. I love that everyone comes back into town and I get to drink margaritas with my partner-in-crime. I love the many delicious foods. I love having two weeks off to see everyone and recharge my batteries...and log some extra time on the treadmill due to aforementioned treats.

And I love Christmas presents. Of course I do. I won't lie to you. (You wouldn't believe me anyway.) There is something deeply satisfying in choosing a gift for someone. But also? Opening a gift is a whole other delight. It's a very telling thing, to see what someone chose for you. What object made someone in your life say, "Hey now, there's something Amanda should have." (And in some cases, "Amanda will not hate this and I drew her name for Secret Santa.")

Which...makes Twin's present to me this year a bit puzzling. Twin regularly goes to the local antique store for my gifts--I have some sweet pink elephant bar glasses from one year. She selects awesome things, knowing my penchant for anything your average grandmother might have lying around. This year, she got me an awesome fortune teacup--it's covered in various symbols for reading tea leaves. This cup...is perfect. Well done, Twin.

But she also got me...this.

THE CREEPIEST PICTURE EVER.

I will let you be the judge as to what this says about our relationship. For the record, we don't know these children. We only know this is from a Detroit-based photographer. I will go on a limb and suggest that these empty-eyed children are not, in fact, near the water watching sailboats. This was probably the most popular background for photos. Similar to the lasers for anyone in elementary school during the 90s. If you do know these children and are offended by my liberal use of the word "creepy"...sorry but seriously these kids freak me out.

Weddings and whatnot.

So we all know I'm not a big fan of weddings, yes? (This is despite the fact that I'm pretty much a career bridesmaid at this point in my life.) Weddings are all about a lot of stuff that I find...irritating. They're basically one big public display of affection.

I'm less annoyed by marriage itself, if one can find someone tolerable enough to spend a lifetime with. Which is the part that becomes most problematic. But for people who find someone to settle for? I'm all for it! Do your thing. (And apparently I'm happy to stand up in your wedding.)

As you might have heard, Hugh Hefner is engaged. That's. Fine. I guess. Hugh, you're an adult and your ladyfriend tells you she's over 18 and that's good enough. I'm sure that once she picks slutty bridesmaid dresses for 15 blonde friends and moves her Barbie Dream House into the main bedroom at the mansion, you'll have 3-5 really happy years together. And then you'll get a timely divorce so she can move on and find a legitimate relationship.

But don't think, Hugh, that I'm forgetting about Holly. I watched multiple seasons of Girls Next Door and watched Holly devote herself to your relationship while she not-so-secretly hoped you'd marry her. Which you never did. You were Classic Male and Weren't Looking to Get Married. You never deserved her. She had visions of babies and marriage and A Life Together. Say what you want about Playboy bunnies but nobody deserves to be the only one invested in a relationship. I'm glad Holly got out.

I don't have a clever segue here and in fact was just telling Twin I'd have to throw in an awkward transition. Because that's what my seven readers have come to expect around here, dammit!

Not long ago, I was having a casual conversation with someone, probably about something boring like the weather or my job. This person ended up letting me know how they felt about gay marriage. I don't know how the conversation got there, but the moral here is that this person was pretty much 100% against gay marriage. They told me it was offensive to the sanctity of marriage. I'm going to leave this other person out of it now. Let's just say that I do not agree.

I would like to know when we as a population are going to stop assuming every straight marriage is a sacred thing. Hugh Hefner is just a very public example of something that happens in this country all too often--marriage as a joke. It is to this generation what dating was to previous generations. Something you do that can easily be undone if things don't go as you'd like.

And there's sanctity in that?

Supporting gay marriage does not mean you personally want in on that. (I certainly wouldn't want to marry a woman...they're crazy. At least men are a kind of crazy I can deal with. But plenty of women would like to, and good for them.) When I say I support gay marriage, I support the idea that every person gets to choose who to love and have the freedom to commit on any level they want. Being in a successful relationship has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with love, lowering your standards, and ignoring the nagging feeling that you're making a mistake.

So sure. Let Hugh Hefner and Miss December get married. I wish them luck. But let's not pretend that their marriage will be automatically successful because it's between one man and one woman.

Happy Monday!

My brother texted me a strange picture on Friday. Something floating in a glass bowl? After squinting at it, holding it upside down and sideways, and generally wondering out loud what the hell I was looking at, I took the bait and asked.

"What am I looking at?"

"More to the point, what is looking back at you?"

I looked at the picture once again.

No. No, no, no. He did not. He did not text that. That is not what I'm looking at. That is disgusting, even by big brother standards. There is no way he would OH MY GOD HE TEXTED ME AN EYEBALL.

I should clarify, as he did for me--it was a cornea and some surrounding conjuctiva. I never got the full story as to what they were DOING at work (in a lab...I assume there was some medical reason for this scenario) but Brother apparently decided it would be one of my more unusual texts.

He wins the prize, there.

Pre-weekend update.

So. Job. Yeah, that's pretty much consuming my life. Don't get me wrong--I love it! But it's totally taking over everything while I get settled in and find a routine.

But before I get back to that...a story in three acts.

1. Went to a family Christmas party last weekend. Quite a good time--ate, drank, made merry, etc. I also played Greedy Guts which is, apparently, a family tradition. Only among the women, though! I asked the men how they felt, having been shut out of this long-standing game. My answer was a resounding, "Why the hell would we want to play the women's game??" Hmm.

Greedy Guts, for those not related to me, is basically a white elephant gift exchange after half a dozen vodka and Red Bulls. Totally insane. AND AWESOME.

Walked away with quite a few gifts. Some good (The Italian Job on DVD), some lame (corn cob holders?). Some awesome (Fossil sunglasses!) and some totally annoying. (See photo.)

HILARIOUS. You are SIMPLY HILARIOUS, family.

2. My mom loves Christmas. She also loves holiday decorations and/or seasonal decorations of any kind. So naturally, when the two come together...let's just say that our halls are decked. But this year, she's put some things in different places. And our bathroom counter is apparently now "where all the fake greenery shall live." And that's fine, except for it's not a very big counter and I put my curling iron there every morning. When I walked in that first morning, I looked from the crowded countertop to my curling iron and back again. It's not that I think she shouldn't be allowed to decorate however she sees fit, but I think maybe we need to evergreen it down before I set the house on fire because my hair needs a little body.

You should be concerned, bird.

3. Yesterday my classroom was the scene of an epic meltdown. Upon hearing the announcement that recess would be inside, one of my students began shrieking about Republicans. "WE CAN'T HAVE OUTDOOR RECESS BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR WON'T LET US!"

Whoa.

I...I don't even know what to tell you. I could not believe what was happening. I sent him down to the office to have his meltdown because he would not stop yelling about the Republican governor. Apparently he thinks that the governor sits up in Lansing and evilly ponders whether or not elementary school students will have to suffer the horrors of inside recess. As if the state of Michigan would bump that to the top of the agenda. The Republican governor who, by the way, has not yet taken office. Maybe that's the biggest decision they'll let him make pre-inauguration?

You cannot make this stuff up.