Matchmaker?

Dear match.com,

What fresh new hell is this? YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING. I hope you still sleep well at night knowing that. I hope the guilt doesn't become some Poe-esque heart beating beneath the floorboards at your horrible office building, slowly driving you all mad. That'd be a shame.

Don't play dumb with me. You know exactly what I'm talking about here. "Sign up your friends at match.com." Really?? What the hell kind of game are you playing? As if being single isn't enough of a contact sport already. Fighting off blind date offers from well-intentioned mothers, aunts, friends, and (if you happen to be me) fathers. Convincing relatives at every family function that no, you're not past your prime, but that's a delightful turn of phrase. You all thought I'd have found a man by now? Thanks, that's...sweet. And God forbid any of them should find out you ENJOY being single. They hate that.
But now...oh, now. It's so much worse! And it's your fault.

Sign up your friends. Great. Wrapped for audiences in a wrapping paper of romance with ribbons of happiness, you seem to suggest that this is the greatest thing imaginable! Picture it: your own mother, heart set on only your happiness (and her greedy, selfish desire for grandchildren) can stop nagging you about finding a girlfriend! Instead, she'll take matters into her own hands! Perfect!
Or imagine this: your dear friends, tired of always putting '+1' on your wedding invitations, can find you a permanent wedding date! (And finally drag you into the Marital Bliss Club. Bitches.) Huzzah!

I have to wonder how this idea came to fruition. Was it a unanimous decision? Or were you strong-armed into it by a couple powerful people? It doesn't make any sense. I mean, how many people would really trust their parents to write their personal ads for them? Not gonna lie, I would not. I love them, but I hardly think we are looking for the same qualities in a man.

Mom, writing my personal ad: "Seeking gentleman who values parents and family. Willing to live close to my parents and crank out grandchildren like there is no tomorrow. Values education and does not utter curse words. Hoping for someone who can break me of my bad habits, including swearing and sassing my mother. Also, someone who will tell me that my impersonation of my father is neither accurate nor funny. Feel free to tell me how pretty I am when my hair is down and I am not wearing sweatpants. Tall, non-smoker, no tattoos or piercings preferred. Thanks for your time!"

Yeah. Surely she'd rope my Mr. Perfect with THAT. Match.com, I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would think this is a good idea. I'm appalled. STAY AWAY FROM ME.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda