Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Well, we're arriving, but then we're departing.

Open letter to all airline patrons:

I was wrong in thinking that certain things were just common knowledge among those traveling by air. My, was I wrong.
To make my next travel experiences more pleasant, I'd like to give you all some blanket rules to follow.

1. An airplane is an enclosed place. You have to live peacefully with the other people inside from the time you fasten your seatbelt and start chewing your gum as the plane heads to the runway until the flight attendants say "buh-bye now" as you deplane. There is no place to GO during the flight, except the lavatory--and you can't stay there for very long. (First of all, you'd get bored, and second of all, a lot of people are depending on that tiny room.)
I know this seems like a simple idea. But a lot of people forget. Mainly, the people who apply perfume or cologne liberally before heading out to the airport. I hate those people.
We all have to breathe the same air. And your cologne is contaminating and polluting that air.

2. Learn to recognize the universal signals. There are certain things that, even when there is a language barrier, come across loud and clear. The number one airplane signal is headphones. Chatting with your neighbors is fine--I'm going to visit some family; oh, that's a lovely city you'll have a great time; I went to that college too! Awesome. Sometimes. Like, while we're taking off and reaching our cruising altitude. Or reaching our destination. But as soon as your seatmates put on their headphones, you should stop talking. Listening to music is a solitary thing--and I don't want to hear about your daughter's wedding anymore once I'm allowed to turn it on. End of story. And when I turn on my music, turn towards the window and shut my eyes? There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you should still be talking! Unless you're saying something important, like, "The plane is going down." or perhaps, "What would you like to drink? The flight attendant is here with the cart." That's it! Even then, keep it to the minimum. When I'm on a plane, I'm like the government--everything is on a need-to-know basis. And your wife's plan for retirement is not something I need to know. I'm not on this plane to make friends.

3. If I see that the sudoku in my in-flight magazine is filled in and you aren't doing yours, you damn well better let me have it. You aren't even looking at your magazine!

Thanks for your cooperation.

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