"If" Version 2.0

I have long been criticized for my unwavering use of the word "boys." A great deal of my generation moved on to "guys" long ago, and the shift to "men" is increasingly noticeable. From the same people who are starting to get married and think about children in terms of something you give birth to, not a boyfriend you hope will not do anything gross in public. I, however, have remained loyal to "boys." I am known to occasionally pull out "gentlemen" when it seems appropriate--though this is rare. It's mostly an optimistic gesture.
The reason I am so resistant to change has been attributed to my women's college education. I disagree. I will allow that my sense of complete awe at once again being in a coed world is because I went to a (wonderful) women's college. That's totally fair--I feel like a visitor at the local zoo, pointing at the silly things penguins do and wondering why monkeys behave a certain way. Unfortunately for me, boys understand what I'm saying and aren't isolated in little habitats. They're interactive--more like a petting zoo, if you'll ignore the sexual undertones of what I've said.
But I digress. I'll tell you why I won't call you "guys" or "men." You don't deserve it! 97% of the time, you deserve "boys." AT BEST. When you prove that you can handle it, I'll call you a man. Rudyard Kipling wrote about this, but I don't necessarily trust his judgment, since he probably would have fought me on this issue too. So...

Make a move! Call us! Ask us out if you're interested! Don't ask for our screen name or MySpace address, go for it and ask for the number. We respect a "wanna hang out?" phone call so much more than the same sentiment in e-mail form. Stop making us call our girlfriends to analyze your latest lame-ass instant message! We overanalyze because you suck! You're making us do all the freaking work--we basically have to decide for ourselves if you're interested, then you make us plan something and that only leads to further analysis! And just like Twisted Sister, we're not gonna take it anymore.

So there you have it, future men of the world. When you stop acting like a boy, I'll stop calling you a boy.

You have to earn your "man" status.