Better than internet dating...

Where have you guys been? I've been looking everywhere for you!

Oh, no, sorry, that's me. I've been missing lately. In all fairness, I've been in Finland, after some busy holidays. (I'm here until next week.)
I know what you might be thinking, if you're anything like my bank. "Finland again?" Yes, Judgemental Phone Guy, again. I was here this summer and have returned to visit friends and potentially freeze to death. So far, the weather has been awesome...not much colder than I'm used to and it's quite beautiful.

My experiences in Finland have been super interesting and eye opening. (I've never traveled anywhere before where looking at the language left me totally lost...new perspective for me.)

This is not going to be a cultural experiences post, though. I could write pages, but that is not even close to why I came here today. A friend here showed me the greatest thing this weekend.

Teletext. On the TV, you open up Teletext and there are pages of text--news headlines, weather, sports, entertainment...that kind of thing. I'm told it's present in other parts of Europe as well, but it was new for me. It's actually been around since the mid-70s, if Wikipedia is to be believed. (Sure why not.) AND I AM REALLY UPSET THIS DOESN'T EXIST IN THE UNITED STATES. 

Again, I know what you might be thinking. "Amanda, if you need to know the headlines, pull out your smart phone, get your head out of your ass." BUT THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. 

Not necessarily for all my sports news needs (HA!) but because of another feature of Teletext. 

Chat. 

Yes, a chat feature. Users can pay 1€ and send a text message to all of Finland's Teletext audience. There are different pages, including one called "family page" which I came to learn just meant "regular chatting without any of the weird stuff". As far as we could tell, the rest of the pages...are for weird stuff. Some people were sending messages about looking for someone to talk to or being lonely. Ok. Some were more specific, looking for young Asian girl to talk to. Some wanted young women to do particular things THIS DOES NOT MEAN CATCH A MOVIE OR HAVE DINNER, FYI. They include their phone numbers, because there's nothing bad that can happen when asking for a young woman with a firm ass to text your number. (This is exactly why we can't have this in the US. If we had access to this, you'd be looking at the plot of the next Lifetime movie.) 

My favorite message, which I could very well have responded to, was a nice, reliable, gentle Finnish man (self-described, so it's anybody's guess what he's really like) looking for a foreign woman 24-40 to start a serious relationship. Seems legit. 

I have to tell you, this changed my outlook on Finnish people. Not because I thought badly of them or anything, but because for the rest of the night, and even today, I've been looking at every person I pass and wondering, "Do you use Teletext?" Every middle aged man who passes me is a suspect in the Serious Foreign Relationship Mystery. I keep wondering who is using this service?? I mean, 1€ is expensive! And it's totally anonymous, unless you post your number, so it could be ANYBODY writing these messages! What if it's your mother? Your boss? The guy driving your bus? And say you respond because hey, you're a young woman with a firm ass! AND IT'S YOUR DAD. What if your best friend is the guy looking to do weird stuff with a young Asian woman? You can't recover from that kind of surprise in a relationship. 

So, I pose to you this question, readers: would it be better to respond to a message and find that your parent posted it, or post a message and get your parent responding? I can't decide which is worse. 

Finland, you still hold so many mysteries. Thanks for being such a surprise. 

Dating Checklist

A few nights ago, Twin and a friend of ours were discussing internet dating. Our friend's daughter is trying it, and both she and Twin are finding it...less than ideal. Both of them have tired of generic guys and their generic messages. Conversation turned to if being picky is a bad thing, and how picky is too picky.

I was reminded of the only episode of Millionaire Matchmaker I've ever seen. (She's just not enough of a trainwreck for me to watch regularly. Good for her.) A woman walked in with a huge list of her requirements in a man. It was out of control. Patti told her in no uncertain terms that her list was too long. Patti says you're allowed to have five deal-breakers, and that you should give a chance to anyone who passes that list. Surprisingly enough, I'm with her on that. (Unless, of course, your gut is telling you there's a problem. I'm all about gut feelings, remember? Anyway.) Five things that you won't bend on, and after that everything else is just a preference. 

Telling Twin about this, she said, "Have you heard about the girl with the list?" 

...No. I have no idea what that means. 

Guess what. The girl with the list is hilarious. And slightly concerning. I guess she's some woman on Bravo? Her show is Miss Advised. I haven't seen it, but Julia Price did a song about her. (If you're not familiar with Julia Price, check her out on youtube, and definitely listen to "Girlfriend".) 

The Checklist Song by Julia Price

THIS WOMAN HAS A CHECKLIST OF 88 THINGS SHE WANTS IN A MAN. I mean, she really has a list. It's not one of those "in your head" mental checklists that you consult when your date says he has a dog or whatever. It's a real list. And it's really specific and somewhat repetitive and straight up nuts. Check it out, right now. 

Be real. Is this reasonable? Am I in the minority? I can't be, come on. 88 THINGS?? Not to be all negative (...just kidding) but...I don't think that guy exists. Write a book about him and make millions. He sounds like a catch. 

He could have at least handed me a drink, also.

Last weekend, when I was busy running into my stalker/stalkee , I noticed a disturbing new trend. I'm calling it a trend because it happened to me and another woman, with separate people, and as far as I'm concerned that's a pattern. 

Twice during our night out, while we were making the rounds at a local bar (I know that sounds really pretentious--I hear it. Let it go.) we were both victims of drive-by business carding. 

Like a charm. 

It's exactly what it sounds like, you guys. I was having a conversation with this guy, and another guy I've never seen before in my life walked by me, handed me a business card, and kept walking. HE KEPT WALKING. Initially, I had no idea what had happened because who does that? I said out loud, as he was still passing, "What is this?" (I'm so smooth, guys.) I took a look and it was his business card. Well, I assume it was his. It could be that he thought I needed to speak to the management at a rental car place. I have no idea, since that was the extent of our interaction! I continued my conversation with the first guy, not interested in pursuing Mr. Rental Car in the least. When I reunited with my friend shortly after that, she held up two business cards. (Neither were from my guy.) 

WHAT IS HAPPENING? I'm not excited about this turn of events. So I've come to you for help. Is this a thing now? I mean, is this something we're doing? Something we're comfortable with as a society? Has anyone else been through this? Dudes, would you ever/have you ever tried this tactic? I wonder what the success rate is on strolling past a woman and handing her something. Isn't that like handing out flyers? We all just recycle those, yes? SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Help me out, friends. 

Game on.

There is a very real possibility that I am stalking someone, that he is stalking me, or a bizarre combination of the two. 

It's not quite as weird as it sounds. 

Ok, it totally IS weird, but not creepy "news at 11" weird. 

About...15 months ago or so, I met this guy at a bar. I'll call him FL, because he probably reads my blog SINCE WE ARE EVERYWHERE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES. I can't give you any more details than that, even though they make this story even better. It'll just make it more awkward at our next (inevitable) meeting. He's probably been waiting anxiously for me to blog about him. YOU WIN THIS ROUND, I GUESS. Anyway, we met at this bar and it was just like any other time I start conversations with randoms at a bar. I was there for a charity pub crawl, which I told him about and he told me about these charity things that he does. We chatted until it was time for me to crawl away. Several bars later, he located me and recognized me and remembered me! (This is not really a big deal, you might be thinking...but it will be important later. Trust me.) 

A month later, at a completely separate community charity event, which was not the one we talked about, I saw FL. When he looked at me, there was no recognition at all. I thought nothing of it, since we met at a bar and come on, it would not be surprising for one or both of us to forget about it. 

Saw him again a couple months later--yes, more community/charity stuff because guess what guys, I am actually a very active member of my community. And he didn't recognize me there either, naturally.

But that changed. Several months after that, I was out with friends celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And, of course, there was FL, since we not only like charity events, but the same local dive bar. We have many common interests. While I was ordering at the bar, near him, he said something to me about the volume of my voice while I ordered. (You're all shocked to learn that I have a loud voice. It's a BAR.) He invited me to have a shot with him and the friend standing there. We had a drink, joked around for a minute, and I walked away. He caught me again later (you guys, I have a very magnetic personality) and we spoke for a few minutes. He introduced himself, saying, "We've met before." And because I'm a high maintenance brat who won't give you the satisfaction, I said very casually, "Oh, have we?" He told me the location and circumstances surrounding our meeting. VERY CURIOUS, don't you think? 

I did my best to ensure that he'd remember me. (Stop that, I didn't do anything slutty.) I told him his novelty holiday tie was crooked and insisted on retying it myself. Here's a Bitter Amanda Fun Fact: sober, I can correctly tie a tie roughly 50% of the time. On St. Patrick's Day, that statistic drops to about...0%.  So that took me...a while. I may or may not have devoted upwards of 20 minutes on that project before ultimately giving up and handing it back to him, untied. It wasn't pretty, but that girl? You don't forget that girl. Confident, I walked away from FL and went home. FL saw my A game that night. 

Spring brought another event, and I went with a bunch of friends. Guess who was volunteering at this event? 

Of course he was. He sold me a drink. 

With the blank look reserved for total strangers. 

My friends laughed, because of course my efforts on St. Patrick's Day were fruitless. Until an hour later. He walked past me at a bar--not the same one we usually meet at, mind you--and caught my attention. He jumped in the picture we were taking, then introduced himself, saying, "We've met before." This time out of spite, I once again feigned confusion. "Oh, have we?" He reminded me that it was St. Patrick's Day at That Other Bar. I suddenly remembered him, and he flirted with me for a few minutes before sitting himself down on some woman's lap and introducing me to his girlfriend. 

AWESOME. That is just super. I actually laughed out loud and went back to my friends. Fool me twice, FL...

The twice I've seen him since then (once while I was volunteering and once at the bar...of course) I have actively avoided eye contact because I couldn't be bothered. Then just this weekend, I was at another pub crawl and of course he was at the bar. He ended up talking to some of my friends and volunteered to help us out in the future BECAUSE OF COURSE. Later that night, he got my attention and reminded me that he'd help us out, then shook my head and--can you guess? Can you just freaking guess what happened? OF COURSE YOU CAN. 

"We've met before." 

I held back a mighty eyeroll. "Oh, have we?" 

Book Club Review

I finished The Mane Attraction! It wasn't bad, actually. I'm a little embarrassed at how curious about the plot I was...but not embarrassed enough to hide it, you see. 

Considering who the main characters are--I'm not making a single main/mane pun here, so don't hold your breath--there is a pretty serious lack of Feelings Discussions. WHICH IS AWESOME. There is absolutely no weird lion/shifter sex, which I consider a huge bonus. There's the occasional mention of claws coming out, but I preferred to think it was more figurative, and that made me feel better and I could just kind of glide past it. 

Overall, I'd give this book a 4 on the Vomit Scale. (That's the new book club reviewing scale, which I just made up this second. It's on your standard scale of 10, with 10 being super vom-worthy cutesy shit. Like The Notebook. That'd get an 11 on the Vomit Scale, for the sake of comparison.) It would have been lower, except the ending crosses some lines. If you skim it, though, it's tolerable. 

I'm staring a new book next week, if you're curious! That one will be (as randomly selected from my mystery grab bag) Rules of Marriage by Wilma Counts. It was published in 2002. Wow. 

It's historical, guys. Get ready. 

Hey, bonus fun fact for the day: I just learned today, via tumblr (which I succumbed to) that 42% of college grads never read another book after college. Which is preposterous. GOOD THING I'M MAKING MY ALMA MATER PROUD HERE, HUH?

We can't really be friends...

...if you don't watch TLC. 

I'm not talking about Say Yes to the Dress and What Not to Wear and please please make it stop A Baby Story. No. I'm talking about Trainwreck TLC. The shows on TLC you can't turn away from but you wish you could because you can't unsee the things you see there. The shows that make your life seem pretty great.

Seriously, if you can't think of a totally random group of people, TLC will put them on TV. Guy in love with his car? Give him a show. Non-UK princes coming anonymously to the US looking for love? Yes. Amish kids looking to learn about life in New York City? That exists. Woman who eats nail polish? Tune in at 10. The Duggar family, with their dozens of offspring? We've all watched that, don't lie. Virgin Diaries was the single most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen in my life--and I've seen Shakespeare porn. I watched it 3 or 4 times. ** I was actually really upset that they only made one episode.

Basically what I'm saying is that I have no shame in watching and judging people who are willing to put themselves on TLC. They allowed a film crew to come and witness their makeout sessions and fights and hear their backstory and then put it on TV. 

This weekend was no exception. Three words: Extreme Cougar Wives. THAT HAPPENED. This show wasn't really about married women, but about three older women (in their 50s, 60s, and--yikes--70s, respectively) who date younger men. Men in their 20s. Most of them are younger than me. Two are in relationships--one got pretend hippie married!--and one dates anything with a penis who doesn't remember anything about the 1980s because he was in diapers.

It was worth watching for two reasons. One, the commentary with my good friend B (who should start blogging again), which you should all be jealous you didn't witness. (TLC, we're available. Let me know.) We have the same brain. Two, it's really great for your self esteem. I don't have to sneak out the bedroom window of my 21 year old boyfriend's parents' house. That's not a reality I'm facing. Feeling better about your life already, aren't you? Just don't think about that 900 year old woman having more sex than you. I bet you're having more quality sex with better people. Just don't focus on that part. B and I got stuck on that for a minute, but moved on quickly because that one guy isn't wearing a sweater, that's his hair. Pass, thanks. 

During my first year of college, my roommate and I would go through these fits of inadequacy, lamenting how long until Smith College realized our admission was a fluke. We'd come home and turn on MTV. That year, we watched a lot of Jessica Simpson's Newlyweds nightmare, Real World: Las Vegas, and Jackass. We'd watch those, then look at each other and think...nah, we got this. We're alright. Back to work! 

So tell me, guys...did you watch? Are you going to now? Can we still be friends? Also...TLC, hit me up. We have a lot of ideas. 

**That is to say, I watched Virgin Diaries 3 or 4 times. I only watched the Shakespeare porn once. But those images are forever burned into my brain, so once was plenty.

Book Club Update...Again

THE SEX FINALLY HAPPENED.

I am, of course, speaking about The Mane Attraction, and not my own life.

Chapter 13, if you're curious. And no, it's not weird animal/werewolf/whatever sex. Because I am NOT reading that book, no matter the cause. 

Happy Thanksgiving!