Casual Weekend in Guatemala

I just spent five days in Guatemala, for a wedding. As you do. At least a third of the guests were American, most of the rest were Guatemalan, and there were a handful of internationals. (I spent the rehearsal dinner with a Colombian, a Czech, and a German.) It was one big, awesome adventure. However, I arrived home exhausted. Blogging was lower on my priority list than sleep and laundry and getting to work on time. So now that I've recovered, let's review the highlights:

I was reunited with friends I haven't seen in six years. They're amazing people. It's funny how six years felt like nothing, as if we'd been apart just a few days. I've said it before, but my friends are truly the most remarkable thing in my life. I don't deserve them. I also made some new friends. The universe put me in the right place, ok? 

I stayed at this fantastic hotel. 

Just, you know, stepping stones over a pond to get to my room. Whatever.

My friend has a great new husband, even if they tricked us to do the bouquet toss--using Beyonce! I felt so betrayed. 

Coffee, dancing, drinks, way too much food because they fed us really well, and handsome Guatemalan men. 

Yes, I know--my weekend was better than yours. 

During all the wedding events, we had some conversations about wedding customs in different places. It was rather fascinating, since you know I've become a bit of a wedding connoisseur. One thing that I love is a German tradition called Polterabend. On the night before the wedding, friends of the couple come over and eat and hang out, then they smash porcelain on the ground! Plates, cups, sinks, toilets, whatever. They smash it. And make a loud mess! And it's supposed to bring luck? And then the couple has to clean it up and that's some kind of bonding experience about all the shit they'll have to clean up together in their lives. That part sounds less fun, but the smashing! Sounds great! 

Just throwing out the idea in case any of my many engaged friends want to consider it. I'm totally ready to break shit, In honor of your love. Or whatever. 

Wedding Tips for Singles? Yes really.

I don't know about anyone else, but my facebook feed was blowing up with engagement announcements and wedding photos this weekend. It was a busy weekend. Not for me, of course. I watched a bunch of Disney movies on ABC Family and cleaned my house. (No fighting, boys.)

Thinking about the next round of weddings fills me with a sense of dread. And I'm not just talking about the usual "what if I can't escape the bouquet toss" dread. I mean, yeah that's there because I HATE THE BOUQUET TOSS, but there's more to it this time. It's because I have noticed a disturbing new trend at weddings.

Readers, there is a serious lack of single men at weddings. I was just at one where there was literally ONE single man. I'm not kidding, I did the research. (And it should be noted that there was NOT just one single woman.) A friend attended one with no single men at all! And what's worse, she was the only single person there! What is happening? How can this be? I mean, what's the point of weddings at all, if there are no single men in attendance?

Oh, right.

This disturbance in the Force is going to ruin my usual wedding reception plans. What's a girl to do, if not select a handsome single man and spend her evening flirting? (I know what you're going to say, but cake is only a small part of the reception! What of the rest of the night, hmm?)

Before you, too, find yourself in a barren wasteland, here are some tips that might help pass the time! 

• Befriend the DJ and request only party songs. No slow dancing around here!
• If slow dancing does occur, don't worry about finding a partner. (Not that you'll be able to, unless some grandparent takes pity on you.) Instead, interpretive dance around all the couples. Not only does it make couples feel a little awkward, but it's mad fun. 
• Make the rounds and greet every table. The bride and groom are doing it, and look how much fun they're having! 
• If the couple put those disposable cameras on the tables, appoint yourself unofficial photographer and get some really good pictures of you standing between any couple who tries to take a nice photo. 
• Cake. Obvi. 
• Live tweet the wedding. People love that! (Right? You guys loved when I did it at your weddings, right?)
• Recruit the children to take over the dance floor with you. The DJ will hopefully have your back on this and--you guessed it--continue to avoid slow songs, as long as their interest holds. 
• If they lose interest, time for a field trip. More cake. 
• Cocktail. 
• You know that really annoying tradition where you clang on your glass and the couple has to kiss? And it interrupts everything? Well that's super annoying when you're trying to get your flirt on, but guess what? You don't have anybody to flirt with! Make everyone suffer with you. 
• See how far you can move the centerpiece to the left before other people at your table realize and correct it.

Good luck, fellow wedding guests. And remember--as soon as the bride picks up a bouquet and starts towards the dance floor, it's time to use the rest room. Don't run. Just be casual. If you're worried about being called out, hold a tampon in your hand on the way. 

Wedding Pros and Cons

I was at a wedding this weekend. 

SURPRISE SURPRISE. Weddings and wedding related events are like 65% of my social calendar. (Baby events are starting to creep in as well.)

Stuff I Like About Weddings: 

• Dance party
• Live tweeting
• Jordan almonds
• Excuse to travel and/or see friends
• The happiness of my loved ones, I guess...?

Stuff I Dislike About Weddings:

• Bouquet toss
• Couples everywhere
• Love is patient love is kind
• Slow dancing
• "One day it'll be your turn!"
• Can we get all the couples on the dance floor?
• Wonderful Tonight is a seriously overrated song

So high five to the friends who've found really awesome people to share lives and bathrooms and holidays with. (No, I won't tell you if you're one of them. If you are, you probably already know it.) Your weddings are the fun ones, because I'm not sitting there wondering how you've been together for so long or what you talk about or whether you actually like each other. I don't hate all relationships--I hate mediocre relationships and unhealthy relationships. I hate when people settle. And all that is because I know good ones exist. I mean, they're clearly not easy to FIND and they're not for everybody, but they exist. 

On the other hand, apparently I'm playing Wedding Survivor with my college friends and I am determined to win. Last single standing? Not a problem. 

Wedding Season is upon us.

I'm concerned that I didn't make myself clear in Monday's blog post. I realize that I told you engagement season is upon us, but that didn't mean ALL OF YOU HAD TO GO AND GET ENGAGED. 

After my five wedding summer/autumn, I was pretty excited to take a break. Get away from the place cards, the painful slow dances during which I sit and openly mock happy couples, and hoping there will be attractive men in attendance. (Ok, the mocking is actually pretty fun. But that's not the point!) That's not in the cards, it would seem. It would seem that everyone is against me. It would seem that I'll need to find another All Purpose Dress to wear all summer. It would seem that all of you hate me. I've received three save the date cards for next summer and based on the email I just answered with my mailing address, another is on the way. FOUR WEDDINGS and it's only December 4th. (Weddings in three states and two countries, in case you were keeping track. Which is more than this year's five weddings in three states.) 

However, I have to give a huge shout out to all five of this year's weddings. Every single one of you skipped the bouquet toss, saving me a feigned urgent phone call or possibly a post-breakup fit in the bathroom after being pushed to the dance floor because I'm single. Also, A+ music selections this year. Brides, you're the best. High fives to each of you. 

I can only hope this next crop of weddings can live up to such praise. It's going to be a long holiday season. 

On Family and Feeling Back to Normal

Guess what I did this weekend? 

If you didn't guess "attend a wedding" then you must be new here. Because that's all I do. It was actually a 50th anniversary vow renewal for an aunt and uncle. And it was actually a pretty awesome time. Vow renewals are the way to go--they're so much better than weddings. It was way less sappy and a lot shorter and no bouquet toss or any of that nonsense. But there was still a bar, good food, cake, and loads of my cousins who are the greatest in the world. All the parts of weddings that are fun but none of the crap. (Still have to get fancy, though. No yoga pants allowed. Not that I asked. It was implied.) 

We all got together the night before the ceremony, since so many family members came in from out of town. My aunt brought a home movie she recorded at another family party in 1994. (I was 10 years old.) It was...well, I think we can all just admit that the early 90s were a rough time. We saw a lot of shoulder pads and a lot of very large glasses. I regret nothing about my choice of dress, I remember loving that dress and thinking I was pretty fashion forward. 

All the cousins in my generation crowded around a dining room table, away from the older and younger generations, beers in hand. One of them asked about my boyfriend, and I explained that we are no longer together. She asked what happened and I tried to use polite grown-up conversation words to describe the situation. It's a hard task for me. After I finished, she said, "Well...that sounds like...a dick thing to do." I breathed a sigh of relief that cousins can be counted on to be awesome. "YES it was a major dick move. Thank you." All the others nodded their heads and murmured "dick move..." in agreement. 


The rest of my weekend was full of meetings but I have serious issues and love things like that. On Saturday morning, everyone gave their status reports on various projects. Coffee in hand, I listened as B reported that we have a potential director for something coming up in the future. Without looking up from my notes I asked if he was single and attractive. It was an instinctive move, back to the single person I used to be. And it felt awesome. It felt awesome to not think about my ex for once, who still invades thoughts more often than I care to admit. Maybe this normal feeling will stick. We'll see...

Wedding #3

Yesterday had a high level of suck potential. 

I spent the afternoon and evening at the wedding of one of my cousins--one I grew up with--and the awesome woman who married him. I actually do love them both and think they're a great couple. However, there was all the possibility of Terrible Wedding Things. Obnoxious, long toasts, bouquet toss, having a great many family members in one place asking about your job and relationship status. (Unemployed and single, thank you for asking.)  So I went into the day skeptical and hoping for the best, as with all weddings. 

Yesterday was kind of a backslide for me. Before I left for France, I was just starting to get myself back. I hate that my relationship ending brought out this terrible part of me, but it did. I'd been dealing with it and going to France did a lot for me. It was a wonderful and necessary experience. (Lots to blog about...stay tuned.) Not that it was the escape from home that I needed, but being at summer camp and talking to people who knew me when I was wholly myself and people who didn't know me at all but didn't see all the terrible parts that came out recently and leaving bullshit behind so I could run around outside and play pranks and hang out with cool kids...that was the part I needed. 

It's nice to be back. But yesterday brought out the ugly things again. I just kept imagining these horrible scenarios with my family at the wedding...talking about my failed relationship that, hearing their opinions of my failed relationship...I'll stop there. By the time I got dressed I was steeling myself to be angry. When my dress didn't fit the way it used to, I totally melted down. 

I am not proud of those moments. 

Then I spent the day with my family. They mean well and they're RIDICULOUS in a really awesome way and sometimes I forget that. We ate good food and everyone had a Tom Collins in honor of my grandfather (I learned that was his drink of choice) and danced and there was no bouquet toss and instead of talking about my breakup we ended up talking about setting me up with single men. (Oh yeah...I'm dating now, apparently?) I left there feeling like the person I prefer to be. 

Today found me with an emotional/maybe some gin/dancing/not enough water hangover...which is vastly different from and much better than a straight up drinking hangover. Mostly it means wiped out and fighting off self-loathing, to be honest. I allowed myself to skip working out and instead cleaned. I'm combatting the urge to go back to bed by washing my sheets. Sometimes it's the best you can do. 

I'm trying to do better. 


Stick around for some Paris updates. Here's a preview:

Surviving a Wedding: Fifteen Easy Steps

I spent a long weekend in New York recently for SP's wedding. It was my second wedding of the season, and more are on the horizon. Since I'm sure many of you are in the same position, here are my tips for surviving a wedding.

One: Put on your war paint (er...nail polish) and fly to wedding. Caffeinated. 

 Two: Bachelorette brunch! 

Three: Pick the best seat at the table. 

Four: Brave the elements to complete bachelorette adventures.

Five: Put on your matching bachelorette t-shirts at the table. Act confident that surrounding tables find you just as charming as your find yourselves. Who cares, this is about the bride--not them. 

Six: Toast the bride! Several times. Extra toasts and high fives when you learn that the bride is NOT doing a bouquet toss.

Seven: Head to wedding venue, relieved that the rain you previously endured has shown no sign of returning.

Eight: Collect your wedding accessories. Note that the rice you'll throw later is candy! 

Nine: Watch your friend get married. Mentally thank her for the short ceremony and for leaving out any "love is patient, love is kind" nonsense. Also mentally thank her for picking an awesome husband. 

Ten: Hello, gorgeous.

 Eleven: "All couples to the dance floor." 

Twelve: Contemplate how much of the table setting you could stuff into your clutch, out of sheer curiosity. Finish your wine and introduce yourself to tablemates instead. 

Thirteen: Dance. Dance a lot. 

Fourteen: Learn from the groom that the candy from the ceremony is edible, but actually bird food. 

Fifteen: Head home. Clean wedding accessories out of your purse. Remember that you have the best friends ever, even if they're all getting married.