Thoughts on Casual Relationships

I spent my weekend at a training in the middle of nowhere. Despite how that sentence sounds, I had a great time. Between sessions, I got to hang out with friends I seldom see and some new friends. We sat up far too late on Saturday, talking in between games of Spaceteam. (Look it up. Trust me.) At 1am, one of the college students in our group received a text. Two of us went into Mom Mode and demanded to know who was texting him at such an hour.

"Just a friend from school!" 

We shared a look. "What is she texting you?" 

He laughed at us and said it was just asking when he was getting back. I informed him that I rarely text my friends at 1am, and if I do it's because one or both of us has been drinking, and if it's a man then I'm definitely not casually chatting. 

My young friend insisted that "it's not like that" and that he "sister-zoned her a long time ago." 

Again, my fellow Mom looked at me. At the same time, we told him, "She doesn't know that."**

The conversation that followed, about hooking up and the games we play with each other, got me thinking. In case you hadn't noticed, I am not of the opinion that you have to be in love with someone, or even want to head in that direction, in order to kiss someone. (OR I WOULD NEVER KISS ANYONE.) You can be attracted to someone and enjoy being around them without wanting to create a relationship. I say as long as you're both interested and honest about what you want, the idea of a casual makeout or even the clichéd friends with benefits is totally fine. You're all adults and you can make your own choices. (All of this is irrelevant if one or both of you is in a committed relationship, since I have a zero tolerance stance towards cheating.) 

And yet so often it fails. Because none of you are listening to me. I have told you repeatedly, through text messages, in person, via email, and probably here: you really can't keep things casual if one (OR BOTH) of you wants more. I have nothing against romantic relationships, except that they're gross and sometimes lead to things like marriage and babies and lengthy discussions about feelings. If that's what you want, go look for it. But I'm talking to people who aren't looking for serious. Whenever you talk about things getting weird with someone you hooked up with, I'm going to tell you that person is struggling with a serious case of Feelings. (Or a case of Thinks YOU Have Feelings--did you text too many times the next day?) When I tell you to be honest about what you want, you have to start with yourself. Some people can't handle casual--and that's fine. You can't force something you're not into. Some people say casual is fine because they want more and figure they can morph the situation into a relationship. 

I know every situation is different blah blah blah. My advice to you, however, remains the same. Be clear about what you want and what the other person wants. Could this turn into a Real Relationship? Sure. Romantic comedies certainly think so. (I also know real people who've been though that, if that makes you feel better.) Is it guaranteed? Absolutely not. If that's your endgame, you have to be careful--you might be disappointed. 

Otherwise you might find yourself texting some boy at 1am while his friends judge your actions. 




**Ok fine. If this is the sort of thing you do, maybe you do know you've been sister-zoned. Maybe you don't have feelings for the person you're casually texting at 1am. Just know that your behavior is suspect. 

I'm Blaming the Men

Several weeks ago, I was out with some friends. What started out as a small group grew and grew, as more people called friends to join us. It was a top notch night out. 

Or rather, it almost was. Between shots, I discovered a new voicemail on my phone from L. "Amanda, I'm going to make it after all. I'm on my way and I'm bringing you a man." If there are lovelier words to hear from a friend, I certainly can't think of them right now. 

Later the same night, B approached me with the news that his handsome** friend was on the way with the express instructions to make out with me and not ask for my phone number. (**I'm editorializing here; my friend didn't use the word handsome.) 

Two handpicked men? What an embarrassment of riches! My night was looking up! Surely one of these men would put his face on mine! My post-breakup dry spell would be over! (Also, YES I do have the greatest friends.) 

I am not one to brag, but you guys...I was on point. My flirt game was strong that night. I spent good amounts of time with these men (separately, thank you), stopped drinking before I was in danger of being sloppy, and my hair was in full cooperation. 

L showed up early, friend in tow. The man in question had a great face and was positively charming. We danced and he saved me from a creeper. Things were looking up. Until he disappeared.

However, my designated makeout arrived shortly thereafter. We hung out for the rest of the evening. I was feeling pretty confident, despite the disappearance of the first guy. Did I mention that my game was on point? A panel of judges would have given me at least a 9.8, and the internet would have contested such a low score. Women in the late 90s would have been debating my Sex and the City likeness. (Sure, I would have rolled my eyes so hard they were in danger of sticking, but it would have happened.)

All was not well, though--because of course I can't come out of something like that unscathed. DM abruptly announced his departure, hugged me, and left. Without following through on his mission. I stood in shock before turning on B. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID--" "I know. I'm going to kill him." 

What went wrong? How could I strike out twice, and with my eyeliner so even that night? Surely these men missed the point of their attendance that night, as neither man made a further move of any kind. 

On top of all this, my struggle brings up another question entirely: Are we done with making out in bars before going our separate ways? Must it be all romance and intimacy and last names? Where are the reckless men of my early 20s? If it's all exchanging phone numbers and defining the relationship, I don't have time for that. SURELY I'm not the only person left who occasionally just wants a man to kiss her. I'm not prepared for that reality. 

PSA

I spent this weekend in the city where I left part of my frozen heart: Northampton. The wedding of a Smith College friend brought us together for a serious weekend of craziness and fun and dancing. We spent Friday night catching up with everyone at our bar, and then had the MOST BIZARRE experience. Several of us left the bar together, and stood together on the street for a few minutes before we parted ways. We talked about, among other things: Finland, Minnesota, psyching yourself up before a presentation, and embarrassing yourself before a presentation. During this 10 or 15 minutes, we were loud. It was a Friday night downtown in a college town--no need for an inside voice. 

And the WHOLE FREAKING TIME, this couple stood two feet away making out. They were really going at it. 

Seriously.

It was disgusting--find somewhere more private than a street corner! WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT ON A STREET CORNER? Take that shit inside somewhere! At least stand in a shop doorway or something! 

Why would you want an audience for that? I'm hoping they were drunk, because that's the only reason I've ever been slightly less concerned about witnesses. DON'T DO THAT SHIT IN PUBLIC.

Unless I make out with Ryan Gosling, in which case I don't give a damn who sees.